Monday, December 3, 2012

Where we go from here:

For starters, we go to California.

Im not sure if Ive mentioned this yet, but in true Army fashion we have orders at the most INCONVENIENT and UNEXPECTED time. We were told we couldnt even look at another duty station until our two year mark had passed here, that this place is a black hole that youre in forever, yah yah yah. Thats funny because by the time we leave here we wont even have been here two years.

Such is life.

Healing is slow going, but I hope that means that its going to be done right. Every day gets a little easier, though every day I deal with things that take me aback. I have stuck a bit close to home since every time I get my wits about me to venture out something seems to upset me and I feel like Im set back to the beginning.

Most of the people in my life have been amazing, fantastic, wonderful. There are a few that dont understand, but I forgive them. There are one or two who Ive had to pull back from because they arent in a place with themselves where they can give me the gentleness that I need. And thats okay - not their fault. I think right now Im in self preservation mode, and while usually I can be pretty go with the flow, Im having to change that mentality a little to protect my fragile spirit.

Some days are good. Some days it feels like nothing ever happened. Or there are times when I can actually be in a good place - that God does these things for a reason, and that our time will come. I can hold my head up and be excited for the future.

And then other times, its harder than I could ever explain. We didnt have long with this baby, but I cant explain why it crushes the way it does. It was more the promise of the future we had, for that time. And now we are back to TTC again. And its such a soul sucking process that it makes me want to scream. On any given day Im drinking POM juice and green tea and taking b complex and prenatal and folic acid and temping and using OPKs and Vitex ..... and on and on and on. Its like a full time job and no matter how hard you work at it there is just no promise for a good ending. Its exhausting and it makes me want to just give up sometimes.

I wish I could see into the future. If I could just know that one day well have another healthy baby, I think I could relax a little. Instead the unknown drives me crazy. It makes me a bitter person. I have so much to be thankful for, and yet I feel like its all tarnished by what we dont have.

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