Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Sexy - The Undefinable Trait

Confession: I am in my LATE twenties, fatter than I've ever been, extremely tired, none of my pants fit, and I cant bring my ass to participate in any sort of exercise. I love good food, drink a lot of calories, and by a "giving" point of view could stand to lose about 20 pounds.

Fact: Despite all this, I feel more beautiful (inside and out) than ever before.

Those two statements seem contradictory to me. For most of my life I've honestly believed that she who is the thinnest, wins. Ive crashed dieted myself into a painful size 5, I've cried when the 7's wouldn't button, and about lost my mind when I grew ... a butt.

I honestly determined that my husband would no longer love me when he saw me with the lights on and realized that his cute little wifey had morphed into a  .... well, a Mexican Woman.

We can feed a baby, hold a job, cook your dinner, and love you right, but one thing we aren't so good at is being a toned workout goddess. I know that its not all genetic, some of it comes right down to sheer laziness and an aversion to working out that is probably a sign of real psychological trouble. But (and maybe I only think this to feel better about myself ....) part of me is also DNA-inclined towards a "short and squat" definition.

I don't know when the tides shifted. Maybe it was that no matter how many times my ass expanded, my ...um ... extracurricular marital activies (I think that's a safe term in case my mom reads this) didn't wane one bit. In fact ... after four years, I can honestly say that we've never been so happy in that department.

When Allen's doctor asked how frequently we ... "activited", Allen gave an honest answer. Later that night, when recalling the story to me, Allen demonstrated the look on the doctor's face as he said "Really? You've been married HOW long again???".

(This was a proud moment for me).

Maybe my self confidence comes from knowing that, although I'll never win a beauty pageant, I have a well rounded (haha) package to offer to world.

Funny? Check. Love football, beer and (according to Netflix) raunchy stand up comedy? Check. Make my own money? For sure. Have interests outside of how I look, can cook up a big 'ole meal, and (if I do say so myself) a smart bitch? Check, check, check.

Now, don't get me wrong. I fully believe in being HEALTHY. And I will probably be on a perpetual diet all my life ... but thankfully now the diet is more about FEELING good than LOOKING good. And its nice to free myself from the chains of perfection, and think that if I gain a pound then I have somehow failed myself, my friends, my family and my future children.

And I'm not trying to say those that live a healthy lifestyle aren't to be admired. Hell, I wish I had whatever inner drive that motivates some of you to get up at the asscrack of dawn and run around in 20 degree weather. Because that's about being healthy, and that makes people happy. The ties I'm referring to are the ones that cause you to study the mirror for an hour a day taking inventory of every single part of you that doesn't live up to some sort of unrealistic expectation. That's unhealthy, even if its a motivator, because no matter how much you change yourself, it'll never be enough. That's a dark place to be, when you cant be at peace inside yourself, and love who you are.

I suppose the message I'm trying to send is that it took me damn near 27 years to decide that I? Am pretty effing fabulous ... even if "society" doesn't think so. Some people think that confidence equals "arrogance", and maybe they're right. But for me, its sort of unrealistic to ask anyone else to love you or believe in you if you cant place that kind of trust and stock into yourself.

I wish it hadn't taken me so long to decide that everything about me was to be celebrated ... flaws and all. Now, I spend less time worrying about every calorie I ingest, or every roll of fat that pops up, and more time making myself a better person to know. I laugh more, I love more, and I sure as hell enjoy more.

And yes, I still have those days where my pants don't fit, and my fat hangs out the BACK of my pants, and I think "Why didn't you work out yesterday FATTY??!". Thankfully those "Damn guuuuurl, yo is SO fine" moments are starting to win out over the others :)

Monday, October 18, 2010

The Fear

His name is Duke, AKA BIG DUMMY. He is afraid of the new camera. 

Here he is hiding behind me.
Here he is hiding down the hall. 

And here is my Sammy girl, not giving a flying shit because we dont have food. And in her world, its that simple. 

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Sister Wives ... Just an uglier, more boring episode of Big Love ...

I wasnt going to blog about the new show "Sister Wives" as it seems like territory that everyone else has already covered. More, I really dont see what any of the fuss is about.

Apparently Im the only person in America who is really unimpressed by the entire thing. I couldnt be more apathetic about the entire situation, and that says something as I was the most excited about the show.

All I know about polygamy is rooted solidly in Big Love, the HBO show that follows Bill, his three attractive (okay ... 2 attractive, and one Nikki) wives, and a bunch of other shit, like an evil polygamist leader, a gay Mormon, lots of people having sex with other people that have had sex with their family members.

Polygamy is pretty awesome.

But this Sister Wives show is just some surfer dude with midlife crisis long hair who rounded up a bunch of chicks with low self esteem and gave them a room in a house. And the wives all just hang out and talk about how awesome it is to be a "family"" and that they didn't marry for the guy, they married to have the friends.

All of this is just really dull, and sort of stupid on a lot of counts.

1) This guy doesn't look like he has a hope in hell of pleasuring ONE woman, let alone FOUR.

2) If these women really married for friends, they're doing it wrong. I could have saved them a lot of trouble by just inviting them to join my Facebook meet-up group.

3) The women are hypocritical. They dont mind that the husband is swinging his dick all over the household, but they have a cow when they find out the idiot kissed the 4th wife when he proposed to her. So Kissing = Bad. Ferris Wheel penetration = Good.

4) There are no evil polygamist leaders, no homosexual Mormon brothers, no hiding from the neighbors or one of the wives having a crush on one of the older sons. Its just this D-Bag hanging out with his friends who go "Id be happy with one woman, and this guy has four". (PS Buddy - you just said that on national television, good call my friend).

This is in no way an exhaustive list of "Things That Piss Me Off About This Damn Show". But in the end ... who really cares? Everyone is all "OOOOH, its morally WRONG!" and Im like .... so is EVERYTHING fun in life!

So 5 consenting, God Fearing adults live together (under no threat of punishment or homicide), they live a slightly odd but generally happy life, they aren't hurting anyone else ..... so really .... I could give a shit. I think there are better uses of time/resources than going after these jerk offs. And really, make that many women share one man for a decent amount of time .... they'll take each other out eventually.

Or, as Allen put it:

"In any given moment, I have a 50% chance of making my ONE wife happy. I do NOT like this guys odds".

This is why Ill stick with my one husband, thank you very much.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Work Lingo ... A Users Guide

Having been gainfully employed in a (real) job now for the better part of a year, I feel like ones attention must be drawn to the real meaning of popular office sayings.

Office talk is a lot like conversations amounst women.

Men dont understand what Im talking about right now, as evidenced by my husband saying EVERY TIME: "Well, that was a nice exchange", to which I reply "the hell it was. She called me fat and told me that she didnt ever want to hang out with me again". And HE says "I didnt hear that" and I say "You werent listening through GIRL ears".

So, Id like to present to you common office sayings, and the meaning behind them.

Thats such an interesting idea! = You really suck at this. Who did you sleep with to get hired?

I feel like I may need just a bit more time to finish the project to the highest standards. = I'm fucked up, and hoping it goes away soon.

This is a great start. With a few tweaks I think well be on the right track. = Youre fucked up, and I dont trust you to do shit.

I feel like the team may need to regroup and aline ourselves back on the same page. = Youre all fucked up and I hate working with every one of you.

Of course I dont mind putting this project to the side to assist you in what youre working with.= Nah, thats cool. I love doing my job AND your job. And FYI? This isnt an "emergency", just like it wasnt the last 50 fucking times you interrupted my day.

Were currently doing some re-arranging of personell. Someone got fired.

Im sorry, I cant seem to find the file youre requesting. We are doing some re-arranging of personell right now! Someone fucked up and got fired.

Im sorry, I cant seem to find the file youre requesting, but if you give me the information Id be happy to do that right away!I fucked up and I know it.

I wont be able to make it to the group outing/happy hour/function because I am just BURIED with work. Im so sad to be missing it!=There isnt enough money in the world to make me hang out with you assholes outside of work hours.

Those are just a very popular few.

Thought of the day:
There is always one person at work who is THISCLOSE to getting their ass whipped.

If you dont know who that is .... its probably you.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

True Interchanges From The Last 24 Hours.

Flamboyant Male Attorney to Social Worker: "OMG girl, you have a foot tattoo? You MINX you!"

(Please dont get me started on the woes of professionals wearing open toed shoes in the courtroom. If you want me to trust your professional judgement I DO NOT need to see yo' jacked up toes ....).

SW1: "Yes, and she has a tramp stamp too!"
FA: "Is that what those are called? I didnt know! Is that from Entorage???"

(So. Random)

SW2: "No, I have a tattoo on my back"

Assistant Attorney General: "A tramp stamp is a tattoo right above your bootie"

FA: "OMG! Is that what that is? I HAVE ONE! Im a TRAMP!"

Keep in mind, these are highly paid professionals. In court. Thank you.


Allen: "Honey, why are you creating events on Facebook and not spending time with ME?"

Me: "Very well then. I will put the laptop down and come to you. We can proceed to have a meaningful conversation, dissect my emotions, and figure out if my co-worker meant to look at me that way, or if she just was on her period."

Allen (brief pause): "Carry on then. You should probably check your email as well"


Me: You should never do the things to me that the guy on TV just did to his wife.

Allen: Woman. Tha guy has cheated on his wife. I have been sitting on this couch all day, in my pajamas, cleaning and cooking your ass tofu!

Such a brief little post. So sad.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Text Updates ...

It says send messages to this number to post to my blog. I fear that it really is that easy and Im going to repeat the "Twitter on the Shitter" debacle of '09.

*Oh dear. It really is that easy. No one should leave this sort of technology in the hands of a raging narcissist with a drinking problem.

Day ..... T minus 3 months ....

I had every intention of blogging my little heart out over the 13 month stretch of deployment. Suffice to say, I got 7 posts in and quit cold turkey (something that I cannot say for drinking, smoking, or eating to excess, which is unfortunate).

Someone once told me about deployment that "the days seem to stretch on forever, but the weeks go by so fast". I couldnt have put it better myself. While 5 pm just wouldnt fade into 6 pm, Friday always gave way to Monday rather quickly. Someone also told me to be warned that I would look back and not even remember what deployment felt like ... and this has also turned out to be true.

Somewhere in the midst of weekly get togethers, bonding with battle buddies (and severing a few of those bonds), taking road trips, doing shots (usually bought by Mrs. Milligan :P ), and covering our calenders with daily, weekly, and monthly rituals to pass the days .... the days did just that. They passed. And before you knew it, the longest year succesfully drew to a close.

So, looking back, Ill share some "deployment tips". This may be helpful to those of you who are going through one, who will go through one, who would like to understand someone who is going through one, or it may just be me assuming that I know it all (dont try to prove me wrong, Im too old and thourghouly convinced), and wont help a damn soul. But its my blog, Ill do what I want.

Deployment Tip #1: Love Many, Trust Few:

I wish someone had told me this out of the gate. I went into this with a rosey point of view that "Were all Army Wives, and were going through deployment, and were all going to get along and be there for each other, and build the fortress of love and light ....". Which is false.

People, no matter what ties bind them, are still people. Humans are a flawed species, no matter if we have the best intentions or not. So while you can count on meeting an abundance of wives in your situation, you should reserve your innermost secrets for at least the second date.

Although it might seem obvious to most, I found a lot of wives who faced this particular senario. The absence of your spouse, coupled with being hundreds or thousands of miles away from your family and friends, added to the fact that MOST of the folks you already knew moved away from post during this time .... it tends to create a false sense of comfort between people that barely knew one another. Add that to no husbands around to run interference, no one getting sex, and a bunch of women with a lot of emotions and a lot of time ..... even the best can be overcome with their worst intentions.

A wise woman once told me that I needed to learn to "date" my friends, and I think that was the best advice Ive ever been given. Instead of putting all your cards on the table and *hoping* that someone isnt going to stab you in your back, put one card down at a time, slowely, with a deliberate effort. Then you wont be too far in before you realize youre hanging out with a serial killer.

Deployment Tip #2: You're Gonna Miss This:

If you had told me at Month Three that I was going to look back and MISS some aspects of Deployment, I probably would have cried and said "You dont understand, I LOVE my husband ....".

Of course you do sweetie. But what I wish I could have told myself back then is that I didnt have the monopoly on love, or sadness, or missing someone. And that missing someone doesnt mean the world stops turning, or that you stop having reasons to smile.

What I said in tip #1 stands ... you should never dive into a trusting relationship too soon. But what that point didnt cover was when you find the people that you CAN trust.

When that happens, you forage a little relationship that we like to call "Battle Buddies".

Wikepedia defines the Battle Buddy system (used in the Army) as : A procedure in which two people (the buddies) operate together as a single unit so that they are able to monitor and help each other. In adventurous or dangerous activities, where the buddies are often equals, the main benefit of the system is improved safety: each may be able to prevent the other becoming a casualty or rescue the other in a crisis. When this system is used as part of training or the induction of newcomers to an organization, the less experienced buddy learns more quickly from close and frequent contact with the experienced buddy than when operating alone.

If you've ever been part of a Battle Buddy group, you know how true this is. Your "Battles" become the people you have dinner with every week, the people you spend your holidays with, the ones who know you had a bad day and leave candy outside your door, the ones who you call in the middle of the night because you're scared, the ones who sleep next to you so you arent alone, the ones who become your friends, your sisters, your "stand in husbands", your therapists .... and especially your bartenders .....

The relationship is so close that you operate as a large mass of people. Where one of you is, another one is sure to be found.

And then the guys come home. And while that is the moment that youve waited for, wished for, hoped for, dreamed about, you may experience a small bit of remorse .... now youll be a wife again, but can you still be a Battle Buddy?

In my experience, things do change. Time is more limited, there are less chances for girls dinners, coffee, ect. But those who want to hold on, do. However ... every once and again, you may find yourself missing the days when it was you and the Battles against the world.

I think thats healthy. It shows that you had people worth missing.

To wrap this up, I think Ill post my favorite video from the year passed. Stay tuned for tomorrows post, that includes Tip #3: Reintegration is a Verb (AKA .... dont expect miracles ...)