Friday, November 25, 2011

Thanksgiving ...

Im glad thats over with.

The older I get the more I start to hate the holidays. I know - Im a huge grinch - but its all just a lot of pressure. You have to make good food, you have to give the best gifts and you generally want to have the idyllic fireplace movie scene. And inevitably someone ends up disappointed because that shit doesnt happen.

This year we went totally anti-pressure and it was just Allen, John my mom and me (Devon is visiting with his dad and family for the school break). We had low key meal of roast chicken, sage and celery stuffing, potatoes, white gravy, rolls, green bean casserole and the Pioneer Womans “Pecan Pie That Will Make You Cry”. It was delicious, not a lot of work and we all promptly took a nap after dinner - even John must have realized sleep is what you do on holidays.

THen mom and I went to see The Muppet Movie. My cousin Laura and I loved the Muppet Show so much when we were kids that we wore out not one, but two, VHS tapes of the show. When we saw the previews we each vowed to see it on our respective coasts (she lives in LA and generally has the sort of fabulous life that I can only dream of).

Oh, but on that note .... we actually went out in Savannah on Wednesday with my friends Kelley, Christi and their husbands. Sigh. I want so badly to still be the young-and-fun person I used to be, but its just not in the cards.  I spent half the night feeling like an asshole in my mom jeans and the other half wondering when I could get back to my baby. At 1 am I couldnt believe that anyone stayed out this late anymore and what the fuck were we doing at a bar when we could be at home in warm PJ’s watching Real Housewives on the DVR. I should add that Kelley and Christi are two of my most fun friends, so it was definitely me, and my lack of quality sleep. 

And that is why I have lost my edge. Next time Ill stick to happy hour at Applebee’s and a shopping trip to Target. #bitchisasuncoolastheycome

But how could you want to leave this face??

(As a side note I have no problem leaving him to go to the movies/shopping/ ect. But I just think the bar scene is so done for me - its not fun anymore)

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Lets inject some positive up in here!

On a positive note: things are really starting to look up here. 

I knew it would happen, eventually. I think with every duty station change you have that unsettling period. Its the time when you dont belong to the old place and you dont belong to the new place. 

Slowly, however, your life begins to regulate. That feeling of “I dont belong here” starts to get less and less. You start to form real relationships with people. In other words - shit starts getting real.

There are people that I desperately miss, but they are still in constant contact. 

There are people that are naturally going to drift away (thats what happens when you move) and although it makes me sad to see them go I am very grateful for the time Ive had with them.

It feels like a good time to be positive about whats to come.

In other news, John will be two months tomorrow. In one swoop it feels like no time and forever all in one:

2 months ago

What is the deal with Bloggers uploader? Either way, this was a month ago (I know because I took no less than 1404040 “watch me grow” pictures)

Yesterday. I want to squish him. 

I couldnt have projected how amazing this whole thing was going to be. Nothing is perfect - Im human after all. The crying gets to me at times, there are days I miss my old life, and sometimes I get super hormonal and unreasonable. But - all in all - I cant imagine being anywhere else or doing anything else. This little man has changed us all - me, daddy, brother, everyone - for the better. Life is good.

ETA: His two month picture. Someone stop him - hes too much.

Quit being such a birth victim

Look, I know that there are real asshole “natural birth” advocates that will stomp all over anyone that does anything less than  a med and intervention free water birth with the Dali Lama present in complete silence. I will tell you right now that those people are assholes who are probably going to drive their children right into the Young Republican club in high school, much to their patchouli scented dismay.

Those people are idiots.

 I have a lot of friends who said “give me the drugs, I dont want to feel SHIT” and went on to have calming childbirths with healthy and happy babies. And I have never once - not out loud or in my head - “judged” them for that. There is absolutely nothing wrong with getting to have the birth that you  WANT.

In the same right, there are some of us who view birth as a challenge, much like running a marathon. To me, giving birth naturally was something that interested me - therefore it was a challenge I posed to myself. I researched everything I could, I prepped myself for it - mentally and physically. I put in a lot of work, before delivery and during, to push my body to that limit. I have a lot of reasons I wanted to do it the way I did, and Im always happy to talk about those reasons - because if it werent for someone talking to me about it, I dont think I would have understood what the benefits were and why people choose to do it that way. Talking about those reasons, to an audience that is receptive, is not me putting you down for what youve done.

Heres a difference between me judging you and me talking to you:

Person who is pregnant: Im due in a week and I have already set up my epidural. I dont want to feel a thing.

Me: OMG, pain meds are going to kill your baby. You are a horrible mother. Epidurals are the devil and you obviously dont value the entire earth because youre setting the whole planet up for failure.

That is judging. 

Person who is pregnant: I just saw some information on natural birth and it intrigues me. Id really like to do it that way

Me: My natural birth was awesome - one of the best days of my life. Here are some other things you can research to prepare for a natural birth. It really is an awesome way to have your baby and I promise you youll understand why we all are so crazy for it now.

That is not judging. 

Im proud of what my body was able to do. Im proud of myself for setting a goal and sticking to it. I dont understand why the fact that I had this amazing labor experience should really affect anyone else - unless, of course, I tell them that they are somehow less of a person for not doing it exactly like me.

Its something I discovered that I love talking about, I love reading about and that I will continue to want to discuss because Im passionate about it.

I will never ask you “did you get medication?”.

If you tell me you did, I will congratulate you on doing what was best for you.

I wont assume you want to listen to the reasons why I chose to birth the way I did.

If you ask me, I will tell you.

I dont judge you. I dont think Im better than you. I dont secretly assume you dont care about your body, your child, or your life. I do assume that your experience was different than mine.

If someone opens the door to talk about how they want to try to do it the way I did it, I will always offer help in that area. If they should not want that help, I wont push it.

I will be proud of myself for doing it naturally twice. I will be exceptionally proud of myself for hating how my first birth was and finding ways to change that. My first birth was traumatic, my second was healing and for that I will be not only grateful, but I will express that emotion.

If you can say “I had an epidural and it was awesome” then I can say “I did it natural and it was awesome”.

I dont assume youre judging me when you say “I dont want to feel pain, thats crazy”. And maybe you are judging me. But Im secure enough with my choice to not really care because my birth was so amazing I cant wait to do it again. Not only am I not scared, Im excited.

ETA: It was brought to my attention that maybe *I* am being a birth victim for giving a shit what anyone in the world thinks about how *I* gave birth. And actually, that is a very valid point. (This person often has valid points, but dont tell her I said that)

Look, Im not afraid to admit when Ive acted like an asshole, and maybe this is one of those cases. I wrote a blog about something that was emotional to me (which is what I use this blog for - it doesnt need to go on Facebook for the world to see and I assume that whoever reads this blog is someone who is interested in the things I have to say). So I did get my emotions out on this site, but that doesnt mean they are “right”.

My birth is something that was very special to me. I know that a lot of people think thats crazy, and I respect that. So there is a large possibility that I got over emotional about comments that were made (and its not just one comment or one person) to me over the last 2 months.

I vow to lighten up about it. If Im going to tell other people to be secure and stop feeling judged then I damn well better be ready to take my own advice.

You live and you learn :)

Monday, November 21, 2011

Tubby Time

The best part of the day is when I get to watch John and Daddy play together. Their favorite place is the tub.

Blogger is uploading this all shitty. They are way better when they dont get uploaded in 50 different colors. Asshat.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Mommy breaks, and other “must haves” ...

I took my first real momma break yesterday and I cant tell you how fantastic it was.

Allen took both the boys (well, he didnt TAKE them anywhere. He stayed home with them) and I hopped in the car to drive to Atlanta. It was Dana’s birthday and the plan was drinks, lunch and Breaking Dawn.

I cried from the time I got on Highway 16 until I hit Interstate 75 which is about an hour. And I didnt just shed a few tears I ugly Teen Mom Farrah cried. It was hideous. And I called Allen no less than 45 times, each of which he assured me that not only was John alive but he didnt seem to notice that I was gone.

Im not sure wether to be pleased with this or to want to cry some more.

Thats pretty much all I could think about. My dream man is 11 pounds and he farts a lot.

I finally made it there and you could tell that neither Dana or I was used to being able to make a decision without someone - some little one - interrupting our thoughts. So we settled on Roadhouse Grill since they have the famous Roadhouse Tea of our youth. We used to slam back two of those and be done for the night. But ... that was a long time and a lot of months of pregnancy ago.

We each ordered one but quickly realized that there was no way we were going to make it through a whole drink a piece. Our old co-worker Katie was the bartender and we told her to make them weak ... but either Katie’s idea of weak is MUCH different than ours or we really are old as shit.

We talked about how fun we used to be, but neither of us could fathom going back. Its nice to sit down with someone who knows everything about you but still lets you change. No one stays the same person for years at a time - or if they do then they are missing the whole point. 

Then we went to the movie where Dana and I both succeeded in tripping over the same ladies purse - however, Dana managed to catch herself whereas I wasnt so lucky. I was on the fucking floor and so giggly after my one QUARTER of a drink that it took me an entire preview to get up. And I lost my shoe. Good times.

The daddy managed to not only keep everyone fed and happy but he even cleaned up the house when I was gone. He then said that staying at home wasnt that hard but I had to counter that by saying it probably was easier when you slept through an entire night AND no child was attached to your breast. But I really cant complain because a lot of husbands wont let the kid stay with them for an hour, let alone 12, so hes on my very very good list right now.

Wednesday momma is coming into town and we are going to actually go OUT. With friends. To River Street. I am giddy at the thought of doing something normal together for a change. We have an awesome life but between the two boys we dont get a ton of time to remember how much fun we used to be. So this is of importance.

Also, time is of the importance right now. Its so short and so sweet, but its going to be just fine. 

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Here it comes

The inevitable. We had a lot of time so cant complain. Time to gear up and put the game face on.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

I knew this was going to happen ...

I have this problem. Its called I cant sit still, with a dash of Im jealous when I think other people live fabulous lives and mine is really boring.

Lets put this in perspective. A year ago I was working long hours at a job that was challenging mentally and rewarding socially. I had cemented a few groups of great friends and we did all the fabulous things I am now jealous of people doing. I felt fulfilled in my head (and the ADD monster was satisfied) so in turn I would describe myself as happy.

Now that the newness of the baby has worn off a little and we are into day to day routines, Im feeling a bit of the anti-climatic letdown. I have to think its normal (even if people dont like to talk about it because it makes them look bad - cue me not caring, its HONEST) since the last 10 months were full of baby anticipation, and the new baby rush of love.

Dont get me wrong - I love my boys. All of them. So much so that Id love to do it again. But there is a part of me that sees the freedom that others have and I get a bit envious. I miss going for drinks. Hell, I miss getting out of the house at all. I can still do it but it takes such a monumental effort that most of the time Id just rather stay home. I miss using my brain (although 7th grade social studies DOES in fact present a challenge). I miss dressing up, or going somewhere awesome, or generally having things to look forward to. Now, even when I plan things to do I have this fear behind them - Will the baby cooperate? Can daddy handle things that long? Where will I pump if Im out all day (because you cant go all day without it)? Will I be able to hold a conversation while struggling not to fall asleep?

Its not that I would take it back - I wouldnt. Its just that Im presenting myself with another challenge. Weve hit the 7 week mark, were in a routine, and its time for me to stop sitting around feeling like “normal” is out of my reach and instead do something about it. Daddy can handle the baby (even if he feels like he cant). John wont DIE if left with grandma for the night. Hell, he wont die if he has some formula either - its not going to kill him or take him off the boob for the rest of his life. I need to stop trolling Facebook to see how fabulous other people are living and go for a run, or read a book, or generally do something to make myself feel better.

Plenty of people have babies. Im not the only one. Even if it means taking a few college courses, or finding out how to get John in daycare for 3 hours a week at the gym, or attending meetups to make a new friend. I can and WILL figure out the new normal. Weve lived here for almost 7 months now and I have to let go of the life I USED to have and start figuring out the life Im GOING to have.

So someone hold me to that.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Having 2 kids

Everyone says that you shouldnt have two close together because its hard. Im here to tell you that they are stupid.

Two kids is hard no matter what the age.

Everyone says - “Oh, Devon is old enough to take care of himself, so itll be easier”. These people have never had a twelve year old. Because Im up at 6 to prod him up, in the shower and out the door. Make sure he brushes his teeth and wears deodorant (why are preteens so adverse to being clean?). Then he has to be told to eat and get his ass to the bus stop. Then at 3 we have to structure the day in hour increments because if left to his own devices the kid would never stop playing XBOX. Also we have to do homework and I have to spend most of my time trying to figure out the answers without looking like I  dont know them. Because I dont. At the same time we have to cater to baby dictator around the clock. Also you cant just nurse anywhere in your house when you have a 12 year old there because no kid, no matter how secure, wants to see his moms boob.

Everyone says that I “have a built in babysitter”. Please reference above. The kid cant remember to shower, do you think I want to leave him alone with my infant? No. Hes a good kid/big brother but he wont be opening up a daycare center anytime soon.

This isnt to take away from those who have several that are young as Im sure having them both wake up at different times during the night is murder. But were still going to try to have them close (if we can do it at all since this one was just some sort of strange “freebie”) because kids are hard no matter what the age.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Sometimes I forget to blog. Because it doesnt pay me.

Devon is here and back living with us officially. Its a long story as to the why/how but suffice to say its been
a long time coming and it is definitely for the best. So now the boys are watching I Am Legend (not John, although
I am SURE we are probably scarring him for life as he sleeps in his swing. We are asshole parents). Middle school
is a whole new world from when I attended it and were doing our best to navigate all the sorts of things that
you face with a pre-teen. Also, when do I buy him condoms? Does anyone know? So much to learn.

My kid has so much attitude its ridiculous. And yet, he is pretty much the cutest thing E-V-E-R. I know that only
stuck up and shitty people say things like that, but fine, thats me. He really is THAT cute. But dont worry ...
hes only that cute because he has the worlds WORST temperament. He is totally not a happy baby.

He simply cannot bear to be around us any further. 

He was a precious puppy for Halloween.
Also to whomever searched for: babysitter coming home early daddy

And came upon my blog, Im sorry for the obvious disappointment youve faced. This most certainly isnt *that*
kind of place. Also .... seek help. Soon. Also - what the fuck did I write about that brought them here? My blog
is apparently sneaking nasty things behind my back.

Also it took me 6 days to write and post this, which is why its ALL OVER THE PLACE. I just got an email from
Barnes and Noble asking me “where Ive been” because I havent purchased an e-book for my Nook lately.
Id like to write them back and explain to them that a 12 year old and a 6 week old tend to take up some time and
thank them for staying the fuck out of my business from now on.