Wednesday, September 28, 2011

5 days old!

This kid is freaking awesome. He gives me the side eye a lot because he knows Im a total asshole who has no idea what shes doing. So he sort of tolerates me while seeking out the nearest exit.

PS- anyone who doubts natural birth is silly. 5 days PP and I feel like nothing ever happened.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Finally - a birth story!

First let me start off by saying that (although its only been just over 24 hours so the crazy is probably on its way) I feel like a new person right now. My placenta was apparently sent from an evil place and now that its gone Im back to feeling more human.

On Thursday September 22 I got up around 430 when Allen was getting ready to leave for work. I had been having the on and off contractions, just enough to really be aggravating without anything actually happening. I used the restroom, got a drink and went to lie back down in bed.

Right before I fell back asleep I felt a thud “down there” and heard something pop. My actual response was to say (out loud) “what the fuck was that?”. I knew from being on the birth month boards that it was likely my water breaking but I didnt feel the gush of fluid that should accompany it. So I went to the restroom to check it out. There was a trickle of water but nothing that would suggest the big blow out I heard your water is supposed to be.

I paced around a little bit and checked my bottoms - there was more water in there but again, not anything that would suggest I had just broken an entire bag. I used the restroom and some water and blood came out so I decided that it was likely go time.

I called my midwife first and explained it to her. She told me to put in a pad and wait an hour to be sure that it was the real thing - mostly because my contractions were so light I could barely feel them and they werent timeable. Still I decided to call Allen since we were on a clock if it was my water anyhow. All the guys in his office have been waiting for the call for awhile now so they got him out of there with a quickness.

I sat down on the edge of the bed and just as I was thinking maybe Im a total asshole and I just pissed myself about a quart of water expelled itself from my nether regions (thankfully onto a towel I had been sitting on). Thats when I said “holy shit were having a baby” .... something youd think I would have had 10 months to come to terms with yes? But, Im a slow learner.

So I call back my MW and she tells me to take my time (since contrax arent strong) and come in soonish. She also said that I was number 4 in the last 24 hours so when I arrived at the birth center wed have to play some juggling games since every room was full (our luck!).

We got all our stuff together, Allen made me breakfast and packed up the car while I showered. I also leaked fluid everywhere I went - apparently its not just water breaking and then it stops. What really happens is that you trail it everywhere you go and you want to cry because everytime you get the slightest contraction you put fluid everywhere. We drove to the birth center and as I tried to get out of the car to the door I literally lost it everywhere - stood on the sidewalk with water pouring down my legs onto the sidewalk. Im sure I was a happy sight.

We got settled into a room after we confirmed water had broke (obviously). Baby looked great on the monitors but contractions were pretty much non existent. She went ahead and did one internal (they wanted to do as few as possible since my water had broke) and suprise! I was between 4 and 5 cm - without really ever feeling it (which would come back to bite me in the ass).

As the day went on baby sounded great but contractions just wouldnt pick up. We walked for an hour, I rested, we ate. Nothing was picking up and I started to get worried - I knew we were on another clock to get the baby out before the membranes were ruptured too long (usually about 24 hours).

At around 3 pm when still nothing was happening  my midwife decided to start some natural induction methods. This consisted of a castor oil/enema/RRL tea routine - two times over the course of two hours. It was pretty much as shitty (literally) as it sounds, and so uncomfortable. But it sure worked and by 6 pm I was starting to pick up in contractions considerably.

The entire pregnancy Ive complained of hip pain but it took me by surprise when I felt ALL the contractions in my hips. They tried to rub out the muscle spasms but they were so intense there was no helping it. Thankfully one of the birthing rooms cleared out just as it started to get really bad and we were able to get in to use the shower on my back which helped a bit.

About 7 - 7:30 is when I hit transition. It was just as terrible as anyone could ever explain it to be. I was able to get into the tub and it slightly helped but the contractions were coming so strong and so close together that I hit my wall (or my “Ricki Lake” moment as they say). It was so intense that she decided to check me to see how I had progressed and I was only at a 7 :( I didnt even have time to get upset because the wall of contractions felt like they would never end. This is the part where I was a less than ideal natural birth patient. I was screaming, telling them all I couldnt do it, and crying that I just wanted to rest. The whole thing is a bit fuzzy but I remember looking at Allen’s eyes and just saying “Im so tired - please let me rest. Make it go away to just rest for a minute”.

Allen rose to the occasion and then some. He did whatever I needed and I could genuinely see that if he could take it away from me he would. A few times he prayed out loud to ask God to give him whatever I couldnt handle, and that this pass soon. He was just awesome - better than I could have ever asked for or expected. I have a new love for him as a person and as my husband.

About 10-1030 I hit my wall. I was so tired (had been up since 530) and I just wanted a break. My MW had something to relax me (um - nothing illegal ...) and she assured me that it was safe, natural and would not go to my baby. They didnt take the pain away (and I remember her saying she cant take the pain away because thats whats bringing my baby to me) but they did help me catch a second of sleep between contractions which I needed for the next part.

It wasnt long after that I remember screaming it was time to push. Sure enough my MW ran in and said to “go ahead - all you needed was the rest!”. Unfortunately my body and I just werent working together. I tried to push a few times and I just wasnt working with myself to figure out HOW to do it. I was screaming that I couldnt, I was too tired. My MW really took control and told me that it was fine, I didnt have to, and theyd be back when I could (she just went outside the door). Apparently she told Allen “stop telling her what to do - if youve ever seen a runner hit a wall, thats what this is. She has to pick herself up and find what it takes or else this isnt going to go the way she wants”. And she was right.

I flipped to my side and gave it all I had with the next contraction - and thats when I know it was coming. I felt the “ring of fire” (man did I ever) but my MW told me that I had to slow down and push deliberately because we had a big head - if I were to just bear down and shoot him out then we would have a horrible tear on our hands.

I have no idea where I summoned the energy, but I pushed slow just like she said. I only pushed for ten minutes and the baby was out! He was big and healthy - he didnt scream but he also wasnt totally quiet.

The rest is sort of a blur - we waited for the cord to stop pulsing so I had him on my stomach for a bit. We were able to see him and talk to him and get him to latch a bit (which I swear by --- the kid now has an awesome latch). Once the cord had been cut the MW and Allen took him to the weigh room while the nurse helped me to the bathroom. As I was on the toilet they came back in. Allen said “GUESS HOW MUCH?”. I said “7.14?”.




I told him to just damn tell me. Our “little baby” was 9 pounds 1 ounce!!!

After that it was about 1 am and we both just wanted to sleep. I took the baby on my chest, the MW’s went to rest in their office rooms and we got some rest. John woke up quite a few times but the MW’s were there every time to help me get him latched on and to make sure his vitals looked good.

We woke up about 6 am and Allen got breakfast for the whole crew. We ate, did baby’s physical and mine and then we got to go home!

Our first night was great - daddy is on duty for food and everything else. John didnt sleep much but hes such a good baby that it doesnt matter much. He gets up, he latches and goes back to sleep. Im still on “bedrest” and really sore but loving every second of the entire thing.

So there it is - there was a lot more disgusting shit in the middle of it but I tried to be as PC as I know how to be (which is a challenge as we all know). Its football Saturday, John is going to wear his Gator gear and mommy is going to have a damn beer (its good for milk production you know!).

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

7 Days

I should start calling this “diary of a birth center hopeful”.

Got what can only be described as a “fisting” yesterday. My first internal exam was pretty routine (in fact I think I even texted a friend saying “I must have a very strong vagina, I didnt feel a damn thing"). I cant say the same of exam number two.

We did the NST which was slightly boring and John hated it. Never measured above a 25 (because my uterus is a girly man). I wanted to kick Allens ass because he treated it EXACTLY how I knew he would and wanted to see everything, and spin the dials, and touch the monitors. I finally told him to sit the fuck down and he pouted. Thank God we both get over things quickly (but, can I put this under reasons why I DONT want to go to the hospital? Because he is like a toddler and cannot possibly go without touching things). Then we did the BPP - seems like there is a decent amount of fluid there right now, but she did say I have an “old placenta”. I guess this is what you get when you’re pregnant - lots of insults on things you never thought anyone could insult. Like placentas.

So she did the internal after I had basically been laying down for 2 hours and his head was further up then it had been last time (I guess, either that or she fucking sucks at this - it wasnt my normal MW because we were doing the special testing). She has me put both fists under my butt and she proceeds to shove her entire arm up the birth canal. Allen was standing by my head and the only thing that took away most of the pain was seeing the look of sheer horror on his face. It was probably like a porn gone totally wrong to him. Needless to say he was super gentle and loving all night last night. And Im still bleeding. I think refusing internals is the way to go - who cares that Im between a 2 and a 3? Doesnt mean shit because Im *still* not in labor. Internals are the path to hell and false hopes.

So we are at 7 days now. I wish there was some way to make this kid understand exactly what they do to him in the hospital - maybe hed like to vacate the premises immediately. If only he knew.

Also if Allen calls me one more time to say “so ... whatcha doin ....” Im going to skin him alive. Because he of all people is going to know when I give birth. Today he called me to “make sure you’re sitting up so his head is against your cervix”.

You know what I never want to talk about again? My cervix.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011


As of today we start going in for our every 48 hour appointments.

Allen doesnt mind as he runs his guys through PT, sets up the day and comes home (hello, wonderful unit that is so family friendly that the BN Commanders wife calls me to check on me .... so different ...). Then we trek to Savannah and go see Jr on the big screen to make sure that all his electric/plumbing/water is still turned on.

Today Im going to spend yelling back at the screen. I love you kid but Ive had it. Yes, I know youll come when youre ready but mommy’s hips are breaking and I havent slept for more than 2 hours at a time since ..... 34 weeks? Not that itll change with a baby, but possibly there will be an end in sight.

Countdown is t-8 days until well have to party down at the hospital. God help them if they are intervention happy because Allen is in full on daddy bear mode (good man) and will shank them in their eyeballs if they try to pull anything crazy. Hes been well educated on timelines, why we dont break water artificially until the last second, why we dont want pitocin, or a c section, and why baby doesnt get removed from our sight - and Lord really help them if they put in the eye drops or try to take this kid to get circ’d.

John, please come out at the birth center. Its really going to be a lot less painful for you at the end.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

The waiting game ...

I can handle it. Its the people surrounding me that I fear for.

Honestly its not that bad. Its not like my due date coming put some sort of launch code into sequence. Although my suggestion for modern medicine (besides figuring out how to grow babies like sea monkeys - and only on purpose for people who want one/arent on crack) is to figure out exactly when the baby is going to “flip the switch” (as my midwife likes to put it) and rocket down the birth canal. That would be awfully handy, to be able to say “well, looks like John Douglas will be here a week from tomorrow. We just got his room confirmation”.

Trying to make the most of the time still. Yesterday we took a trip to Savannah, had dinner at the Macaroni Grill and enjoyed sleeping almost 12 hours. This morning took a breakfast trip to Dunkin Donuts and watched football/napped most of the day. Tomorrow Im going to Savannah again with the girls to do a little shopping (and walking, which they say helps. But they are full of shit so fuck ‘em). I figure there will be a time, and that time will be soon, when I just stay home rather than lug around a baby and all his accessories. Plus Ive snuggled with the puppies a lot since I fear they will feel neglected soon.

In bad news I can literally see the clock ticking down on our natural birth center birth. Trying not to stress as my MW told me that most women never make it to their hospital date once its set, and instead go into labor at the 11th hour. As of tomorrow we have 11 days to make it happen. I know they say worrying will just stop labor, but tell me how not to think about it at all and Ill give you a cookie. A “milk maker” cookie at that.

Tuesday we go in for the first (of many if we go the whole two weeks) NST’s and BPP’s. She also said that shell start some “natural” induction methods. Dont worry, I asked if that meant having sex with a random - it doesnt.

So, in true “my baby” fashion, hes late as hell. I do it all the time so I cant really be mad at him for it can I?

Thursday, September 15, 2011

I need a sign on my forehead ....

That says “no baby yet”.

Im way more zen than I have any right to be at this moment. Hell be here in 2 weeks no matter what so for now Im kicking back and enjoying the last of the days where we can lay around, eat in bed, stay up until all hours of the night (because we want to, not because we have to) and we can go on date nights (which we are going on our “final” one tomorrow).

John Douglas I certainly prefer you come before our 2 week window is up (as weve planned for this birth center birth and it would really eff it all up) but you are my baby. So the odds of you being late to the party are very very good. Its okay - I love you anyway.

Theres a lot more in the mix right now that I cant write about and it pisses me off. Suffice to say the winds of change are rustling around but its anyones guess how that will play out. Stay tuned :)

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

If I had to do it over again:

I wouldnt tell anyone my due date.

Im here in hormonal tears because I feel like Im letting EVERYONE down right now. I want this baby to come when hes ready - but I feel like its not happening soon enough.

I dont want to complain about the calls/texts/emails because they are from people who are excited and who want to meet our son. There is nothing wrong with that. But there are a select few who call EVERY SINGLE DAY, sometimes twice, to ask the same question “are you in labor”? Doesnt matter how many times I say I SWEAR I WILL CALL YOU WHEN IT HAPPENS. It doesnt matter when I say PLEASE DONT CALL ME EVERY DAY THIS IS HARD ENOUGH. They dont listen. And its always family so you cant decide to unfriend them and call it a day.

Im generally pretty peaceful about things, with a touch of anxiety mixed in. Im okay with letting little man stay in there for another few weeks because A) A normal pregnancy can go anywhere from 38-42 weeks. There is no reason to induce before that time frame unless MEDICALLY necessary and B) Induction terrifies me. Just look at the statistics for induction before your body is ready - its not good and it leads to too many C-sections. Not to mention babies who come out before “their time” have a higher risk of problems. So, I dont judge anyone who gets induced because there are a ton of reasons to do it (and believe me, sometimes I just want to go to L&D and tell them to get this fucking kid out of me) but I am holding on until the last second trying to go with what weve wanted to do all along - a natural birth when the baby is ready to be born.

My anxiety comes because I cant use the BC after 42 weeks - they assume that Ill need extra monitoring and the possibility of a big baby is greater. I guess I dont mind being at the hospital as long as I can figure out how to make sure they respect our wishes about the things we dont want done. If I have to get a c section Ill just cry. Its my worst fear. That and Pitocin. I dont want that either.

So as we round out to the 40 week mark I will spend the next 2 weeks praying that John decides hed like to join us. Also Ill be shutting off my phone. My hormones are too high for this.

Sunday, September 11, 2011


My uterus is crowding my brain too much for me to come up with the words to express things today.

So I think just saying that 10 years ago, in one day, I saw the absolute worst of human kind.

And in the weeks following, in the unity of a country, I also saw the best.

Above all, no matter what, I still believe that people are inherently good.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Pregnancy Brain

In addition to the below story Ive also been calling myself “narcoleptic” all day when what I MEANT was NOCTURNAL. Allens silence makes way more sense now, as does his text back of “well, be careful when you’re cooking”.

Although turns out, this was a warning I SHOULD have heeded, since my brain refuses to fire on all four cylinders as of late.

1) Going to make mac and cheese for dinner. Allen is at CQ (rounding up barracks buffalo apparently, but thats another story) so what better time then to enjoy Kraft’s finest (which baby John LOVES. The kid has taste).

2) Pour noodles in water. Turn on burner. Stare for a moment at the burner diagram because for some reason it seems confusing. Am smarter than connect four-esque diagram, turn on high.

3) Go back to Facebook. IS MY JOB.

4) Smell something burning. Figure that the stove sucks and Im not getting up because the stove wants to smell funny. Not my problem.

5) Burning smell is worse.

6) Bit of smoke. Should probably investigate.

7) Bread crumb container left on stove from last nights delicious pork chop dinner smoking like a genie is about to come out of it. Mostly because, even after careful scrutiny, I still turned on the wrong fucking burner. The heat was on, literally.

8) Grab container to throw in sink. Dumb people grab hot smoking items with their bare hands. Smart people know that if it is smoking, it is likely hot, which is likely painful. Guess what category I fall into?

9) Open all the doors to let the smoke leave. Sit back down in the chair to Facebook.

10) Neighbors husband appears at the open door to make sure were okay (apparently when you have a 9 month pregnant neighbor who has smoke pouring out of her open doors and no husband at home a good person comes to ensure things are okay). I CERTAINLY cement his opinion of me as an asshole when I look up at him, smile like a total fucktard and say “hi! I almost burned the house down! No worries!”. Then I got up to find the dogs. His response was somewhere along the lines of “erm .... great ... just wanted to .... uh ... check ....”. And he left.

11) Also my boobs cannot be caged no matter what lately so they were probably waving at him VERY offensively. I dont really know how you go about apologizing for something like that (Dear neighbor, thanks for trying to save me from a fire, sorry my breasts were so obscene).

12) Text Allen “Almost burned house down. This is NOT A JOKE”.

13) He seems so NOT surprised that Im almost disappointed. He simply asked me to stick with the microwave from now on.

14) Well see how he feels about that tomorrow night when dinner is due.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Things that dont work to expand your birth canal.

Pineapple - a myth started sometime in 1965 by the Dole corporation. I have learned how to cut an entire pineapple (after I learned how to tell that its ripe), Ive learned how pineapple must have a lot of natural fiber, Ive solely kept Dole and Del Monte in business. But I do not have a baby.

Sex - Some man thought that was a good idea. Dont listen to science - its wrong. Just refuse intercourse and say something about your mucus plug. That will send him back to the XBOX post haste.

Walking - You should probably walk anyways. God knows I need to, with my fat ass. But it will not convince the baby to come. It will make your feet swell. Especially if youre walking in the south where its still hot as satans asshole.

Basil and Oregano - We had spaghetti four nights in a row with so much of both spices that it made us both want to throw up. Not only did I not get any contractions but I about died from the heartburn caused by tomato sauce.

Begging - Babies are very unreasonable. They do not wish to negotiate.

Everyone asking you every three seconds if youve had that baby yet - No, but feel free to visit my website to keep you updated! Have I had that baby yet?

Im one month away from having to call Dr. Phil to come cut me out of the house because I cant make it through the door. I hope that John takes mercy on me and shows up before that happens.