Monday, January 31, 2011

I hate waiting

I am not a good "waiter".

When things come up as possibilities, I want to know NOW. I can (usually) handle not getting what I want ... the hard part is waiting for the answer.

Now we sit on a week of waiting for something that its absolutely time for. Im going to wake up and every day is going to last three weeks until next Monday, when we will possibly know if all our prayers were answered or we have to go back to square one.

Also this week we get to have our first real ultrasound, which is so amazing, and we jet off to Atlanta. All of these things are shit that I love, and yet ... they will still be shadowed by this HUGE "yes" or "no" that changes everything.

I think its time, but Im not God, so I dont know the plan. Weve done all we can do to make it happen - so now we just have to sit and wait.

And .... Im not good at waiting .....

Sunday, January 30, 2011

I love this ...

Im currently reading "Exploiting My Baby" at the suggestion of a friend, and I am in love with it! Its the first thing that has comforted me since I found out I was pregnant.

There is one part that really stuck out to me.

It talks about "who has a right to complain". I love the analogy that she uses, because its so true. In this life you hear "Well, you dont have any right to miss your husband because hes gone for 12 months and mine is gone for 15 months" or "You have no right to say that you feel sick when youre pregnant because Id kill just to be pregnant" or "You have no right to complain that your feet hurt because some people dont have feet, or food, or a brain ..." ....

You get the idea. So, in essence, who has the "right to complain"? Who these days gets to have any sort of feeling on any subject without someone getting mad or offended by it? It would be much easier if we were all robots (although is it wrong that I KNOW even if I were a robot Id STILL be the mouthy/offensive one????).

Exploiting My Baby - Thoughts On The "Right To Complain":

"Heres the thing about pregnancy complaining : I feel terrible about it. It makes me uncomfortable to bitch about such high-quality, first world problems, especially when conceiving at all is such a blessing.

Later, when I end up talking about the pregnancy publicly, and all the symptoms that go along with it, I get an angry email: ' I used to be a fan of yours, but my husband and I cant conceive and I am sick to death of hearing you complain about being pregnant'

She has a point and now my worst fears about how Im coming across are confirmed, Thats when I ask myself who CAN complain? My girlfriend who is desperate to get married and pushing forty-five up a hill would probably be pissed off at this bitch for bemoaning the fact that she cant conceive when at least she is lucky enough to have found a mate. Someone else would hate the forty-five year old for griping because at least she has a  job, even if she hasnt found a man. Take this thesis to its natural end and there is one guy, living under a bridge with no arms, no job, no parents and maybe one kidney who has the right to complain.

And only that guy."

Its just a fun way of remembering that we shouldnt always be looking at what others have that we dont, and telling them they dont have a right to have natural feelings at stages in their lives.

(This doesnt apply to me, however. I bitch all the time so everyone has a right to tell me to STFU.)

Saturday, January 29, 2011

If nothing else ...

Im grateful for this pregnancy teaching me some things.

Its taught me to let a lot of things go.

Its taught me that if I dont wake up at 6 am and at least eat a few crackers, I will be sick.

Its taught me to remember what is really important - and that sometimes waiting to make more money isnt as smart as just getting to where you need to be.

Its taught me that if I dont get exactly what I want to eat, then nothing else tastes good.

Its taught me that apparently all over the world people spend weekends just lounging in their PJ's --- and thats perfectly acceptable. Who knew? (I guess most people besides me ...)

Its taught me to never, ever Google anything. Because Google = Worry.

Its taught me that I will never learn and always end up googling anyhow.

And worrying. A lot.

Im sick pretty much all the time. I accept it because I know that it means the baby is getting what it needs. But I hope that this isnt a forever sort of feeling because I just want to feel normal again!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

I hope this is just the hormones ....

I thought this was supposed to be the happiest time of your life? Arent I supposed to be dressing in white with my partner while we both sing .... baby chants or whatever .... to each other? Arent I supposed to be sick but still able to glow with happiness?

Ive been here going on 4 years, and never really thought about just "going home". Im not that kind of person, nor do I want to be. But I cant tell you the extraordinary loneliness that I feel right now. Its all encompassing.

The squadron is in the field, and that means that Allen IS here, but he has to do a million 24 hour shifts, so its usually just me alone at night. And I dont mind it because all I do is come home, eat dinner, and Im in bed by 7 pm. Im so exhausted that its my own fault - its not as if Im making any effort to get out there and have coffee dates or do dinners. I just wish I could make it that long before wanting to pass out.

I really hope this is just the hormones talking. Im so lonely, and Im so scared, and I have no idea whats going on in my body. Ive heard a million horror stories and for all my controlling tendencies I have no idea what is going on in there. I want to lay on a couch and moan about how sick I am and have my mom, or Dana, or even my sister or my aunts with me. I miss the people who know me the very best right now. I want someone to tell me that what is happening is okay - that Im not crazy, and that its okay to be scared.

As women sometimes we think a lot about how something makes us feel, but we forget that there is usually a person on the other side of that situation. Im trying not to be too upset because I know there is a group that doesnt want to hear about mom things, and there is a group that would do anything to be where I am. There is always someone I dont want to offend, so I feel a little trapped inside all of this.

I just want to go home. I want, more than anything, to be surrounded by the comfort of the people who know who I am. I dont ever want to hurt anyone, or offend them, or bore them, or make them feel badly ... but then who I can I be? Who can understand when I need them to most? I cant keep up right now. So I just want to go home.

Monday, January 24, 2011

I wonder if its normal

To be this all consumed with worry. Its not so much that I have a "bad feeling", but I worry ... what is the baby doing in there, is it okay, and dammit ... I just want to see whats going on.

Pregnancy and being a control freak are not a wonderful combination.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

What can you say when your whole life changes?

Its a post that I dont exactly know how to write.

It is, in turns, the happiest, saddest, most confusing, funniest, most fearful, and guiltiest time of my life. And the only way I can describe it is to break some of it down.

Happiest - We created a LIFE. Although people with a lot less education and skill do it every day (and I see those people every day in court), there is still something pretty amazing about doing it yourself. I have to say I feel like  a bride on her wedding day .... like the first person to ever fall in love and have a beautiful wedding.

Sometimes I forget for a half a second and then I remember "there is a BABY in there ....". And if you had asked me 2 weeks ago what I thought about having a baby, I would have told you that I was just as happy to NEVER have that particular experience again. After a time when I thought it was right for us, and going through horrible doctors, and tests, and all the crazy roller coaster emotions of not being able to do something that seemed so simple, I honestly believed our life path was destined for other things. And I was honestly, really, 100% okay with that.

But seeing two lines, for the first time ... I guess your world shifts on its axis. All of a sudden everything I *thought* I wanted, needed and planned went by the wayside .... the only important thing was that this baby inside me was healthy. We could deal with everything else that came about as long the baby was okay.

As for our marriage .... after a few days of staring at each other in utter disbelief (mostly saying ... I thought we couldnt do that? and shaking our heads), it really has brought us closer. Allen and I had a (very grown-up) discussion about how he could best be involved in this pregnancy (things like, support your wife when her hormone cup runneth over), and he's really excited about the whole thing. And since Im disgustingly sick and tired constantly, it gives us more time at home to really talk and connect .... which, I suppose we should enjoy doing in the quiet while we have it.

Saddest, Guiltiest, Most Confusing - I think these all go hand in hand.

Im sad because Devon isnt here all the time, and also feel guilty. Devon is the first love of my life, and although I know he benefits from having two sets of families that love him so much, I wish he were here to share the excitement of having a brother or sister. I also dont want him to think that this is a "replacement" baby, since we have to share him with his dad ... because in my head I cant imagine how a parent can love two children as much as I love that one. I hear that it's a normal feeling, but the love grows in a way you cant understand - but it does. I just hope that whatever we do, we ensure that Devon knows he is still our wonderful first born, who we love just the same way.

Im sad, and guilty, because so many people are affected in some way by this pregnancy. I cant blame anyone, because I know the feeling. When one of my fun and always-down-for-anything girlfriends would get pregnant, I remember being happy for them ... but a little sad as well. Pregnancy changes everything, and suddenly everything that you are and everything you do gets shifted all around. And if you dont yet have children, there is the "should I be doing this too?", or "is my life really in the right place?" or "Is that ever going to happen for us?".  There are a lot of emotions that come with a friend's pregnancy, even if not everyone will admit to feeling them. I have grown to appreciate those who are happy for us, in spite of the emotions it brings up for them. And those who realize that, while I did the action to be in this situation, getting pregnant wasnt an intentional act to make anyone feel something uncomfortable. It was our time, and while it is an amazing thing that happens, its not all sunshine and roses. Thats just honest.

And there may be small minority (very small!) of people who have the "why did it happen for them, they dont deserve it because of A, B or C". To those people (and I forgive them for that feeling, because I know how emotional that journey can be) I say, it will happen for you. Maybe not when you think it should. Maybe your journey is destined to be a more difficult one, for a variety of reasons. But weve been in that place too - and when it does happen you will appreciate it more than you ever thought possible.

Its also the most confusing ... because, at 27, I had defined myself - or so I thought. I was outspoken, a little crazy, up for anything, and enjoyed life in the context that I had made for myself. Upon getting "bun in the ovened" I had to rethink everything I was so comfortable being. It's not that I dont know how to be a mom, and its not that I dont love it. But being a mother to a BABY is a heck of a lot different than being a mom to a PRETEEN. So here I am, going back to square one, and it makes you wonder who youll be this time around. I dont think Ill ever fit into the "playgroup" circle ...

(side note - it makes me laugh to see how different the army life and the civilian life are. When my army friends heard about my pregnancy, they said "Finally!". When my co-workers heard they said "Are you guys ready for that?". They see 27 as just starting out in life, where the army sees 27 as almost too old to start having babies ....)

... I have a foul mouth (which wont change with a baby) and Im not a stickler for manners. I dont like "chit chat" (AT ALL). I like having a group of women who I can have "real talk" with. From sex, to insecurities, to crazy college days, I dont want being a "mom" to take away from being human. Im still ME and Im still funny, slightly vulgar, and honest to a complete fault. I dont think my child will suffer if Im more Roseanne than June Cleaver (though when Devon gets a facebook Ill have to delete a lot of those college days pictures .....).

Im just hoping to keep my wonderful friends that Ive made, even if Im sometimes toting around a newborn, or if I cant knock back a mimosa over brunch. I still want to be considered Anne the person, not just Anne the Mommy. It doesnt mean that I dont want to give both of my children everything. It just means that I dont want to break my ass living up to some impossible standard of a "perfect mom". That doesnt exist and youll just wear yourself out trying to be something you arent.

Most Fearful - You want to know what the scariest time in LIFE is? When there is a human life in your care and charge, but you cant see it and cant know what it wants. I dont look pregnant (anymore than I already did anyway), and I dont feel pregnant, besides the exhaustion and the sickness and the boobs the size of Japan. So how do I know that everything is okay in there? Its a 24/7 fear. Im hoping it subsides a little once I can feel the baby move, but  you dont realize the full scope of the terrible things that can happen, from conception until .... well, until youre dead I guess. You never stop worrying about your children, and now Im worrying for two. Thats another thing people dont tell you about the wonderful world of pregnancy!

Funniest - Despite all of the above, which is the 100% honest, not "sunshine, roses, baby, perfect" truth of it all, pregnancy can be funny. Because there hasnt been another time, at least for me, when Ive been through so many different things, that were once taboo. Husband sitting in on the vag exam? Why yes! Running out of the bathroom, drawers around my ankles, chasing him with a pee stick? Perfect! Calling him in to assess what just happened in the bathroom, and is that normal do you think? Of course!  I suppose you can be embarrassed about it, or you can laugh about it, and I choose the latter.

This wasnt supposed to happen, but it did. And I have two choices - one is to face it with a facade on, acting like its the greatest thing since sliced bread and never bringing up my valid worries (what about my job? My body? And why does something the size of a nail head make me lose my brain?), or I can treat it like exactly what it is - alternately the best and the most confusing thing that has ever happened. And thats what Ill do - Im to the bone thrilled with this path in our life, but I will also not hold back about the fears, the sadness, the joys and the confusion. The thing that has helped me most is having my best friend in the world 6ish months ahead of me.

 I hope every woman has someone she can go to and be soul bearingly honest about everything. I say it all the time, but I never feel better than when I know I have just told someone all the reasons why Im a bad person, and that someone loves me anyway.

So here we go. Heres to the next eight months, and after that the next 50 years. Parenting is going to get a hell of a lot funnier from here on out.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Knocked to the up

I really want to write this amazing post about being pregnant, and how it feels. I want to explain what it was like to see that positive after so many negatives. I want to tell the story because it really is funny.

But Im too tired. Right now I feel like Im on autopilot. I can just barely get through the days doing the bare minimum (work and food) before I am so tired I just give up.

Last night I also had my first baby induced throw up session. Good times.

So, I promise to write a great post about what its like to cross over from "Ew - Id rather not be pregnant" to "Heh - Im pregnant". Until then, Ill just go back to sleep.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

My Goals For 2011 (Illustrated Version!)

I guess its about that time to write down all the shit Id like to do to make myself a better person that Ill inevitably end up looking back in a year and saying "I cant believe its been a year since I didnt become a better person".

So these are "goals". They are not resolutions. Mostly because I have learned that I am SO defiant that I tell myself what to do and I do the exact opposite. I am le awesome.

1) Spend more quality time with myself (not in that way, sick fucks).

Coffee at 1? Lunch at 2? Shopping at 3? Dinner at 5? Literally thats what Ive tried to cram into my schedule for years. And while its been a lot of fun, Im too old to be so busy these days. And Ive found that I dont really get a chance to just sit on the couch and drink my coffee in peace ... and everyone should be able to do that. So my goal for 2011 is to have some serious "me" time. Although I love my friends, its okay if I "just say no" to a wonderful and fun party in favor of Sex and the City reruns and my PJs. 

2) Be confident in MY life and MY choices

New rule - if you dont pay my bills, and you had no hand in my birth, you dont get to weigh in on my life. I appreciate helpful advice from caring friends - but if youre criticizing because I dont live by the principles that you think are right, do me a favor and just talk behind my back. Because thats preferable than me having to waste moments of my life Ill never get back listening to something I dont give a damn about. If the way that I choose to live offends you, the door is that way. 
I realize it might sound bitchy - and I dont want a free pass to not care about and consider those that I love and cherish. I just am tired of getting time taken away from those that deserve it because Im worrying about the people that dont. 

3) Chill Out

One of the things Devon hates most is when he complains about something, and I say "Youll be fine". He says "You ALWAYS say that", and I say "Are you dead?". And he says "NO" and I say "Then I was always right. Youre fine".
So, the mantra for 2011 is "youll be fine".
For years Ive let myself get worked up over things, such as (but not limited to): "OhIthinkIoffendedherdidIsaythewrongthingthispersonhasnttalkedtomeinawhileIhopetheyarentmadmyclothesdontfitImgettingfatarewegoingtomoveandlosemyjobwillwelikeournewpostdowehaveenoughmoneyarewewastingourlifeawayshouldwebedoingsomethingmorefunrightnowdoeseveryonehatemeamItotallyfailingatlife....."
No wonder Im tired. 
Nowadays I apply a litmus test. It goes "Is what Im considering getting upset over going to really matter at all?"
Youd be surprised how many times the answer is no. So, my goal is to just chill the hell out. I like everyone until proven otherwise. The Lord will provide, and as long as I have food to eat and a place to sleep, then honestly, it doesnt matter all that much. Could be worse.

(Please note that I dont believe in disregarding the feelings of others; however, if you anyone is upset and cant talk about their feelings like a big girl (ahem) then we dont have a problem. Because I dont care.)

4) Enrich My Life
(the picture was not choosen for the boobs. Just FYI)

In 2011 I vow to do things that make me a better person. I vow to get OFF the couch and engage in life. I love the work-sleep-hangout routine, but it doesnt challenge me OR make me a better person. So I want to take a photography class, I want to see a play, I want to eat at fabulous places and learn new things. Visit museums, and challenge my idea of "shit I dont like" (first up being a snow based activity, which previously fell under the "Id rather poke my eyeballs out with dull scissors than do" category). 
I dont want to just "be" or go through the same routine. Yes, being an Army family brings about a number of adventures, but you only get one spin on this ride - Im damn sure going to exhaust all the possibilities that I can. 

Also, maybe I should get off Facebook so much ... but lets take things one step at a time shall we?


And last (but most important) be 100%, absolutely, down to my bones, heart, and soul grateful. There are always going to be goals, there will always be hopes and dreams for the future, but that doesnt mean that I shouldnt lay my head down every night and PRAISE God for all He has done for me. Ive been given more than I ever dreamed of, and I know that I dont deserve most of it (but Ill take it .....). I dont want to sit around and bitch about whats wrong - Im ready to focus on whats RIGHT - because there is a whole lot. 

It all sounds so simple when you write it - I wonder why the implementation is so difficult ;) ?

Wednesday, January 5, 2011


I like the idea of being a vegan.

 I already have a rule that I dont eat anything that once had a brain. This is twofold:

1) I love baby whales: After seeing a baby whale with its momma whale that loved it very much and would potentially go killer-Sea-World cuhrazy if you came near the baby whale, I realized that most of the stuff on my plate was once a baby something. Its a lot harder to tear flesh off bone when you picture it once being a cuddly tiny version of said flesh.
2) I dont want anyone to eat me, and I have a brain. So Im doing unto others, which is what the Bible says. Now, if there is a zombie invasion, I am protected from carnivorous brain eaters by Jesus. Win.

Oh, and third is because I havent had any meat (hee hee) since May of 2010. If I were to so much as sample a chicken wing, my stomach would likely explode inside itself at trying to process this now foreign substance. And exploding stomach is something I generally strive to avoid.

Every time I tell a carnivore I dont eat meat (hee hee), they always want to tell me that cows dont feel it as they are thrown in the cow shredder and that I should just eat them with my bare hands because I am human and far superior to any other species (true story).

But, every time I tell a vegan that I dont eat meat (hee), they look at me like Im a lazy bitch. And you know what? They totally earn that right.

Do you have ANY idea how much work it takes to not only refrain from consuming animal flesh, but to also refrain from ANY animal byproducts? My fat ass may benefit from some vegan lifestyle changes but I am too damn lazy to even consider it.

I spent 12 hours with someone who was vegan and she did more work just eating then I ever have at a job I get PAID for. She had to read EVERY label, and not only look for the obvious animal products, but also be aware of products that are in products that CONTAIN animal products. And she couldnt have anything delicious, like a candy bar or a Red Bull. I was sad for her.

She basically had to carry hand picked berries and twigs everywhere we went.

Never mind the fact that she was super healthy, got 100% of the vitamins she needed naturally, will probably long outlive me, and likely has never woken up from a vodka fueled coma with her face in a cheeseburger (though I contend that is a right of passage ....). Never mind that if I actually put forth some effort in education, research and put some thought into what I shove down my throat (bahahaha) I could feel that way too.

So Ill just have to be fat and tired, because Veganisim is an institution I cant commit to.

(Mad Props to those of you that can)

Monday, January 3, 2011

My favorite model

What? Everyone doesnt take a million photos of their doggies because they "luff" them so much?

We do have another dog, in case you were wondering. His deathly fear of the camera hasnt subsided, and even when I trick him by slooooowly turning on the camera and distracting him while I point it at him, he still runs in terror before I can get a shot.