Monday, December 3, 2012

Where we go from here:

For starters, we go to California.

Im not sure if Ive mentioned this yet, but in true Army fashion we have orders at the most INCONVENIENT and UNEXPECTED time. We were told we couldnt even look at another duty station until our two year mark had passed here, that this place is a black hole that youre in forever, yah yah yah. Thats funny because by the time we leave here we wont even have been here two years.

Such is life.

Healing is slow going, but I hope that means that its going to be done right. Every day gets a little easier, though every day I deal with things that take me aback. I have stuck a bit close to home since every time I get my wits about me to venture out something seems to upset me and I feel like Im set back to the beginning.

Most of the people in my life have been amazing, fantastic, wonderful. There are a few that dont understand, but I forgive them. There are one or two who Ive had to pull back from because they arent in a place with themselves where they can give me the gentleness that I need. And thats okay - not their fault. I think right now Im in self preservation mode, and while usually I can be pretty go with the flow, Im having to change that mentality a little to protect my fragile spirit.

Some days are good. Some days it feels like nothing ever happened. Or there are times when I can actually be in a good place - that God does these things for a reason, and that our time will come. I can hold my head up and be excited for the future.

And then other times, its harder than I could ever explain. We didnt have long with this baby, but I cant explain why it crushes the way it does. It was more the promise of the future we had, for that time. And now we are back to TTC again. And its such a soul sucking process that it makes me want to scream. On any given day Im drinking POM juice and green tea and taking b complex and prenatal and folic acid and temping and using OPKs and Vitex ..... and on and on and on. Its like a full time job and no matter how hard you work at it there is just no promise for a good ending. Its exhausting and it makes me want to just give up sometimes.

I wish I could see into the future. If I could just know that one day well have another healthy baby, I think I could relax a little. Instead the unknown drives me crazy. It makes me a bitter person. I have so much to be thankful for, and yet I feel like its all tarnished by what we dont have.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Didnt we almost have it all?

Its been months since Ive touched this blog. Life seemed to always get in the way and even though there are a thousand things to say, there isnt ever enough time to say them.

But now, I find myself compelled to put the words down, and to make sure that there is a place I can go to, in a few months, or a few years, if I want to remember. Inevitably, no matter how badly things hurt right now, I know they wont always hurt this way. And someday I might even forget how things happened. And even with the hurt, I dont want to forget.

On October 25, 2012, I went to a playdate with some of our friends here. I was telling them how horrible the last few days had been - I was tired, crabby, and everything hurt. Someone jokingly said “maybe youre pregnant!”. I laughed it off - even though we had been trying, since it took us so long to have John I never thought that we would get pregnant so soon.

The day we had John we knew we wanted another baby. It was instantaneous. Although I breastfed him for a year, I prayed my period would return so that we could try to conceive again as quickly as possible. It finally came back in July, after Johns birth in September, and we began trying right away.

So the idea that it could happen that quickly was crazy to me - I had only had 2 cycles since then. I called Allen on the way home, and told him what everyone had said. I told him I was on cycle day 42, but that wasnt a concern since I had really long ones after having John. He said hed pick up some of those dollar store tests on the way home anyways, so that we had a stockpile. I had been testing like crazy on the previous cycles since they were SO long.

He came home and I took the test, which was immediately stark white. It didnt hurt as bad as the last times, because I still had hope that good things were coming. I set the test down for a few minutes, and then went back to look again, just in case.

Sure enough, I saw a shadow of something in the test line. I took it out to the windowsill, where I culd see just the SMALLEST shadow of a second line. I immediately called Allen into the room, and asked him if that was what I thought it was ... and with a smile he said yes!

The day before I had a friend get a positive test, only to start her period a day later. With that news (which I had told Allen) we were super cautious about getting excited. We went to Devons football game like normal, and on the way home I stopped to get a pack of First Response tests. I took one and a second line appeared pretty quickly. Same thing for in the morning. At that point I let myself believe it - we were definitely pregnant again!

I told so many people that second day. There was something in me that said maybe I should wait, maybe this wasnt going to last, but I ignored it as paranoia. Looking back, Im glad that I did.

I went and had my first appointment, and everything looked good. We announced it to the world via FB later that day. Allen and I both were over the moon - we had actually tried, and planned, to have a baby and it worked. Anyone who knows our history knows that we have never been able to do that before. I was so excited for John to have a sibling close in age, and for our family to grow. Some people struggle when they bring kids into their marriage, but for us its been the opposite. Our bond grew, our love grew, everything grew. Were better as parents than weve ever been. It only made sense that adding to that would just make the good things greater.

On November 12, Allen was off for Veterans day. Though I had felt sick the week before, the few days preceding my symptoms had lessoned, and it caused me a lot of concern. That day I felt aches in my hips and back, so when John went down for his afternoon nap I took one too.

I had a terrible, awful dream. I dont remember everything, but the part that stood out was me on the toilet, with so much blood, losing the baby. I woke up scared, but felt okay. I went to use the bathroom and thats when I saw that the dream had come to life, and there was indeed a large amount of blood.

I woke Allen up, and he told me to keep hope. But as we got John ready so we could go to the ER, I knew. The cramps came in waves, and the blood was everywhere. I told Allen before we went in that he should expect the worst.

The ER experience was horrible. I sat in a waiting room with a newborn baby and a pregnant woman for 3 hours. My body was contracting in small waves, and as I went to use the bathroom I passed a great deal of what was in there. Allen had to take John to our neighbors house, so for an hour I sat in the cold room, alone, losing my baby. I was in the worst place of my life at that moment, and I hope never ever ever to go back to that.

By the time I was finally seen, I didnt need the doctor to tell me anything. I knew in my heart that our baby was gone. I went through all the required tests, and it was definitely over. By the time I got my sonogram there was very little left. The only comfort I have in this is that I didnt have to sit and wait and see - it was obvious it was over.

The next few days are a bit of a blur. I went home that night in shock. I left for that hospital pregnant and I came home not. All the joy, the excitement, the happiness ... it was all gone.

At that point, I was glad I told people. I know that not everyone grieves the same, but for me it was so much easier to have a support group. It was easier to have love and to not do it alone. I know that we werent pregnant long, but the second I saw those two lines I was in love. I was in love with our baby, and what was to be. So, even though the loss was early, it still crushed a part of my heart that I dont know I can ever get back.

It was wonderful to have so much love in those days. From my moms group, to old friends around the world, to my online moms group .... it was nice to hear how loved we were. That people cared. That they would pray.

The night we came home, I was able to go to sleep despite cramps. I woke up at 4 am in terrible pain. I never expected to have to go through so much physical pain after having so much mental pain already. It was like the early stages of labor, when the contractions are just getting to be unbearable. But labor is tolerable because you know what happens at the end and its beautiful. This pain was excruciating because I knew what happened at the end. And it was nothing.

Thankfully that was the worst of it. A miscarriage is the single worst thing I have EVER been through. I was so scared. And I was alone, on my bathroom floor, losing what was left of the baby I wanted so badly. I dont think you can prepare yourself for that. Ever.

Every day gets easier. I have so much happiness in my life, and I am so grateful for it. But still, there is that part of me that wonders, why? Why does this have to happen? Why, if we werent meant to have more children, why not just make us sterile? Why give us the one thing we wanted so badly, only to take it right back?  God and I have had some serious talks lately. But I will never forget that on that bathroom floor, I just prayed for Him to be beside me. The pain, all of it, was too much to bear and I thought my heart would stop from the sadness.

But it didnt. And He didnt let me do it alone. So even when I am so MAD at Him (and yes, sometimes its okay to be mad at God) I remember that He didnt want to do this to me. He doesnt love that we had to suffer. I may never know why this had to happen, but I know that Im still alive. So there is a purpose out there for me.

Some people have said “thank God it happened early”. And to an extent, I am grateful for that. Early, and naturally. But the pain is still there. I still miss what could have been. I should have been able to have an ultrasound that showed a little jumping bean by now. And at Christmas I would have started to show a little. After the new year we were going to find out what we were having. And in July, our family would have expanded.

All of these milestones are going to be hard. Thanksgiving I just sat down and cried until my heart wanted to burst, because that wasnt at all what I imagined it would be. I should have been happily eating to my pregnant hearts content. Instead I had to think about what wasnt going to happen for us.

Maybe we will be able to get pregnant again. I know that seems like a comforting thought, but sometimes its not. If this can happen once, there is nothing to stop it from happening again. Never again in my life can I assume that a pregnancy test = a baby. Never can we assume that getting pregnant is the end of the battle ..... its just one more step in a long and heartbreaking process to try to do something that seems to come so easily to the majority of the world. There are days when I dont even know if trying again is worth the heartbreak that it can bring. Maybe I am only meant to have two children. And I shouldnt complain about that, because its two more than so many people get. I have to remember to count my blessings.

Overall, we will survive. Sometimes I feel like I am perfectly okay. Other times my heart feels like lead. Like its never going to work right again. I feel like Ive failed everyone - John, Devon, Allen. All the people who love us and were expecting us to produce yet another funny and spirited baby. I feel like Ive failed myself, since this just shouldnt be SO hard to do. How many women get pregnant every day? How many women can produce multiple babies? And yet I cant just carry one. It seems so ridiculous.

I dont know what will happen in the future. Most of the time, I cant think further than today. All the times that we planned on this huge family seem so silly. So naive. So maybe just thinking about today is the best that we can ask for.

Well never forget. Even though we never held this baby, and we had so little time with it, it doesnt matter. It will always be a part of us.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Things men dont get, part 354

Im probably going to have to strangle Allen soon.

Men dont understand that when a woman is waiting on news that is life changing (not pregnancy, lets clear that up now) she needs to know whats going on.

So, say you were going to make a phone call around 8 am that was going to give us an answer to a question that COULD throw your whole life in a different direction (are you following? Its confusing). IF, hypothetically speaking, the call didnt complete at the appointed time, you should CALL YOUR WIFE AND LET HER KNOW THAT. Because she MIGHT be sitting at home pacing, wanting an update.

But IN GENERAL men dont get that. They hang up the phone, say “eh, Ill do it later”, and then 3 months from that time they decide to tell you that they didnt “get a chance”.


Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Blogging on the run.

Or, on the stand anyhow.

Im currently standing in front of the TV to blog, as the only safe place in this house seems to be the top of the stand these days. Mr. Mobile (AKA John Douglas) broke his second MAC charger in as many months today. We go through these things like candy, and they arent cheap ($80 a pop to be exact). His obsession with the laptop started when we used to skype with daddy over deployment, and  now he wants to be on it all the time. We even went so far as to buy him a kids laptop, but he isnt easily fooled. He wants the real thing, and hes quick. He gets to the charger before I get to him, and APPLE products are made to break so that they can take all your money. I hear they are accepting body parts now as currency.

In other news, I finally got all my transcripts sent into Columbia College (no easy task when youve gone to college THREE places). I still have no real idea what track Ill take, but I realize that I have to do SOMETHING. My brain needs to be in motion, and crafting from Pinterest (while amusing) just isnt my thing. I WISH it were my thing. I have friends that can make a loveseat out of fucking Coke cans - and thats awesome. But every time I try to do something (say, stain a frame for fathers day???) it ends up looking like a 3rd grade art project. Though thats insulting to 3rd graders.

So, Im going back to school. Even if I dont go back to work, there is nothing wrong with being educated. In addition, Im picking up my LSAT book. My goal is to take the test by September of next year. Maybe Ill never go to law school (because have you seen the price tag?), but at least I can say I did it. And at this point, thats enough.

Maybe I can do it all. Or, I can at least try. Ive always dreamt of being a lawyer, but Ive always let excuses get in the way (no money, kids need me, good enough job, no time, ect). I only have one life ... ONE. I dont want to make excuses forever. It may never work out, I may never practice law, but all the ways I try to get there are only going to make me better.

And now is a good time, since we are ready for baby #3. Of course, we have no idea if we can even get pregnant again, since John was such a surprise. So I think school / law school is a great track to go on. At least its one that I can control.

But, it would be socially irresponsible not to at least try to produce more of these 

Monday, June 11, 2012

Hell has frozen over.

As you know, my child has won the award for clingiest baby EVER for all the months of his life. But right now he is behind me playing.


By himself.

I attribute this phenomenon to his new ability to make “truck and racecar” noises. It really is the cutest thing. Hes only 8 months old so I thought it was a fluke, but he certainly does it enough while playing with his trucks and racecars for me to believe hes a baby genius. Thats what moms do, right? We believe our children the smartest in the world? Today I am honoring that.

Anyhow. Generally were enjoying our time here. Its nice to have some time off of chasing the big one around through all his sports/hanging out/homework/ ect. He is spending the summer building a cabin (yes, a whole cabin) with his dad in the woods of northern GA. At 13 its good for him, especially the part of being cut off from technology. He needs that.

Thankfully two of our friends from Fort Lewis are stationed here, so its been nice to hang out with some of my best friends again. I forget that level of comfort that I miss so much, until I have it again. I have some wonderful friends at Stewart BUT its true that nothing bonds you like a deployment. Those are friendships like no other.

During the days here, if we arent at Tanya or Bridgettes house, we just hang out. We play, we watch the birds, we go on walks. We Skype with friends. Its very, very low key, which isnt easy for me. But Im seeing the beauty in the slow down. There is nothing to clean, no errands to run, nothing to do but spend 5 weeks playing with my growing boy. Although sometimes I hate slow paces I know one day Ill be grateful that I got to spend some uninterrupted time just watching how much hes growing up.

Ive also been playing with my camera a bit. No worries - Im not going to open up a Facebook page and call myself a photographer! But, we bought this very nice camera (well, it was nice 2 years ago, not so much now) and it would probably serve me well to learn to use it while I have the time.

Im also going to learn to sew. This is what John thinks of that. 

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Around the world (or, the country anyhow) in 7 days.

I TOTES meant to post before this, but were settling in (and before this, were prepping for) the big cross country adventure of ours.

Yes, we took an 8 month old shrieking child in a car, and drove from coastal Georgia to Southern Arizona! Please know that we are the craziest mother fuckers ever to live, but we did it and were all in one piece. Mostly.

I now present to you a picture montage. It is titled “Who thought this was a good idea?”.

Our suggested route. We deviated slightly, but you get the idea. 

On Saturday the 26th, Allen decided he was going to go fishing with our neighbor during the early morning hours, leaving the night free to pack up for our planned Monday departure. This was a STELLAR plan right about until I woke up Saturday morning. The boys had left around 5 am, because men are stupid and like to believe that they are working hard when they fish. By the time we rose at 8 am, there were tropical storm warnings being blasted all over the internet / television.

First of all, what the fuck? True story, the day before I HONEST TO GOD said “Well, looks like were going to hit wonderful weather for our entire trip!”. In my defense, there was no indication that some tropical force was spinning its way towards us at the time. So of course, I panic, mostly because I want to eat the food in New Orleans and any delay in our leaving is going to prevent that from happening.

Of course my husbands phone doesnt get service on the ocean (and because hes an asshole), so I go into DEFCON 3 panic mode. Johns crying, Im throwing clothes around and crying, and I believe I texted Allen to not bother coming home so that Beryl could take his ass out to sea.

Listen, real life isnt always pretty.

However, he got home, we got everything calmed down, and we decided to hit the road one day early - ahead of the storm.

This took about 7 hours. 

We made the relatively uneventful drive to Pensacola. I had pre-booked our hotels for the stay, but this one I had to wing because of the last minute plans. It wasnt terrible, but it was Memorial Day weekend so apparently people were out that dont usually stay in hotels. I spent most of the night listening to some folks who probably just got released from jail fighting with the management over their hotel room. I have no idea what the issue was, but I heard the words “AC”, “new room”, and “I will cut a bitch” a lot.  The next day we headed to the beach (new favorite place!), rented chairs and an umbrella, and had a great day together. Allen and I made inappropriate comments the entire time - I wonder why we dont have a TV show but I figure its because 90% of the time we just watch TV in our underwear. No one wants to see that. 

John and Daddy checking out the beach

The next day was our 5 year anniversary (still havent killed each other, huzzah!) and on to New Orleans. Hello, I love you NOLA. When you drive through the city its not much to see. Its a little dirty and sort of scary. But then you get into the actual town and you realize what all the fuss is about yo. We valeted the car at the hotel (any city that requires valet is thumbs up in my book) and headed straight for Cafe Du Monde. Id never had a beignet but I was going to correct that, poste haste. Then we saw the cathedral, some of the shops, and ate lunch. Then we went back out and ate dinner at Ralph and Kacoos. Sort of touristy but NOLA (for all its wonderful-ness) isnt super baby friendly. However, John was a darling for that dinner. And, I had alligator for the first time.

Basically I was like Pac Man down the streets of New Orleans. I just ate my way from one side of the city to the other. The next day we hit the National WWII Museum, which I highly recommend! 

John ready for dinner with the grown ups!

Then we headed to a pit stop in Sealy, TX. Absolutely nothing to see there, just a good halfway point until our next stop. 

The kid loves the steering wheel. I mean, whatever works right?

The next day we headed out to stay with two of my fellow September mommas (who both ended up being August mommas, oddly!). Jaquelyn was a most wonderful hostess, and Allen and her husband ended up getting along pretty well. It was a great few days, and John is WAY better when surrounded by other babies. That probably means we need more.

Mommas and babies on the lake!

After two wonderful days there, we said goodbye and headed for El Paso (our last day in TX!). My wonderful friend Sarah offered up a home cooked meal and we gladly accepted. We also brought our screeching child over to remind them just why they dont want children :P

And then we arrived at our destination! So Ive been settling us in for the month and a half that were here, before I turn around and do it all over again in reverse. I obviously am a glutton for punishment.

Like I said - who does this shit?

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Day 2 of Insanity

I'd type more but it hurts to think.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Insanity - Day 1

First, a little mothers day update (which includes “why Im an asshole”).

So before bed on Mothers Day eve, I had convinced myself that no one did anything for me, so I went to bed pissed off in my head.

(Am I the only one who does this? Sometimes I like to get mad about things that havent happened yet.)

So when I woke up the next morning, I saw roses and chocolates on the table, my first thought was “how original” (listen, Im a bitch sometimes. I would never SAY that, but I thought it because I was in a shit mood, my kid doesnt sleep, and I had already decided that my day sucked). Of course I got over it really quickly, but theres honesty.

Daddy took the baby for me, and I cleaned a bit (welcome to motherhood bitches). Then I took a long bath and we took some pictures. Then they took me to eat and THEN - they took me to get measured for custom inserts for my running shoes. Which is a big effing deal because I was starting to fear shin splints and I couldnt figure out why (since I just spent over 100$ on quality shoes). Turns out I have the worlds flattest feet and I had to get the highest arch support I could get without going to a foot doctor to get special special ones. Thank you both children for the 70+ pounds I gained while gestating them. A very good day, Allen wins, I suck. Fathers Day is now an exceptional challenge, especially as we will be in Arizona for that particular holiday.

Which brings me to the next subject (the fat, not Arizona, which is a whole other stressor). Today I started Insanity. And it is, indeed, insane.

Obviously I havent been “thin” in awhile. While I avoided the freshman 15, I packed on the marriage 15, and then the office 20 (where you sit at a desk and everyone brings fucking birthday cake in). Added to that was the fact that I was sick with John for about 4 months (not as bad as some though, holy cow) and all I wanted was loaves of bread and jelly beans (congrats to my child for not being born as a cherry flavored Jelly Belly). Then with the move it was SO HOT that I never left my recliner. So that was about 60 pounds, after all was said and done (and the baby was out) that I needed to get off my ass (and my every where else).

Breastfeeding helps, of course, but no one tells you about the raging hunger that comes with nursing. If you think pregnancy hunger is bad, times that by about 56 and you have nursing hunger. Dont even bother trying to fight it at first - it consumes you. And while youre establishing your supply dieting can be super harmful to long term feeding. So I accepted my fat, for the short term.

Around Christmas John hit 3 months, and I greenlighted myself (with a little advice from my fabulous midwives) to start dieting. I hit WW breastfeeding plan and it really worked. Since my 2 week PP checkup I am down over 35 pounds and still going.

But, ADD as I am, I need more. Ive hit a plateau, and the only way to kick it back into gear is to switch it up.

So I put out an add on the sales site to buy P90x. And I thought thats what the girl gave me, but it turns out it was insanity. So then it gets interesting.

I wasnt really familiar with insanity, so I watched the infomercial. Basically its this insanely (no pun intended) and comically well chiseled dude who is pushing you beyond “anything your body can do”. And then everyone gets strong and has abs and thinks working out is the best thing ever. And maybe the program will kill you, but if it doesnt then youll be hot. But if it does, not their fault, youre weak. And then you get a tshirt.

I decided what the hell - might as well at least TRY right? Today I did day 1, which was the fit test.


Not really. You cant actually fail the test. But if lying on the floor in a pool of your own sweat gasping for air and water is right, then Id rather be wrong.

Shaun T assures me that next time I take the fit test I will not be crying. I guess well see in a few weeks.

Also, Shaun T reminds me of the “hey girl” ads. Hes all like “hey girl, I know its hard. But I believe in you. Dig deeper, youll be thin, and then you can wear your free tshirt to the gym”.

ALSO, here are some mothers day pictures I took of the boys. Please disregard the 4th grade text edits - I can work a camera but not an editing software. 

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Mothers Day Eve

This is exactly what I shared with my moms group the other day:

Im not reminding anyone about mothers day this year. I'm not going to go out and buy my own gift (like usual). I'm not saying anything to remind them. I'm going to sit back and let them handle it for once.

Sink or swim mother fuckers.

Stay tuned to see what happens!

Friday, May 11, 2012

Blog hop sounds like something Id do while drinking ....

So this is my first official participation in a blog hop, but from what I see, I sort of dig it.

The awesome Household 6 Diva  and Riding the Roller Coaster are co-hosting this awesome hop, and if they are doing it, its good enough for me!

I vacillate between fun posts and serious ones. I have a lot of opinions, but I try to present them in a non-confrontational format. I dont want to be all up in your koolaid yo. Im laid back in general, but super self conscious ... I want people to love me. Ill let you know how that works out for me.

I’ve been an army wife for 5 years now (though it seems like forever). I took some time off from blogging when I had my youngest. We call him the baby dictator (aka The Small One) and hes 7 months. 7 very loud months.

I also have a 13 year old (The Large One), and my husband (The Very Large One), who is more work than the other two put together!

I am a SAHM for the first time, after years in the workforce. Im still coming around to the idea, but in the meantime I practice all sorts of interesting parenting habits - to include breastfeeding, cloth diapering, baby wearing, and teaching my children how to be really awesome (and, sadly, spoiled). 

I dont write about the army all that much - the longer were in, the less it seems important. But sometimes youll get snippets. Mostly I like to talk about hot topics, funny things that happen throughout the day, or important milestones. Youll get a bit of everything here! 

Here we are ! 

You can get a general idea of who I am by browsing around, I wont bore anyone with the details (hi, Im Anne, Im a Capricorn, I love Glee and Oreos ....), but generally speaking if Im around, I try to keep it fresh ... to death.

I also love Jersey Shore.

Why Im leaving the “TIME” lady alone (and why you might at least consider it too).

Yes, every one is in an uproar about this attachment parenting thing, after this weeks cover of TIME.

And I get it - they certainly didnt publish the cover photo so that everyone would say “look at that nice mom who is breastfeeding. That looks nice and normal, nothing to really talk about there”. They put the exact photo, that exact way, so that people would talk.

And they are. And now Im one of them.

But, instead of waxing on about how the mother (Jamie Grumet, a 26 year old from LA) is right or wrong, Im going to do one better. And say shes neither.

TIME got itself a story, and a Facebook buzz, and probably a trending Twitter tag (#extremebreastfeeding). People quickly came out to say that what she was doing was disgusting, criminal, psychologically scarring. People who formula feed, people who breastfeed, people who dont have children - the consensus was that, no matter how fucked up THEIR way is, at least its not Jamie Grumet fucked up!

The only thing I see wrong with that, is its setting ALL camps back, after everyone has been fighting for so long. No matter how we feed (or discipline, or diaper, or parent in general) our children, we want to be respected. We want someone to tell us, “youre doing a good job”. We want people to look at us and say, “thats not the way I did it, but what a great idea. It may not work for us - but good for doing whats right for you”.  We want that - but we dont want to give it.

So Im going to applaud Jamie. Not because I would do what she does (yes, John is breastfed, but no its not going to be for that long), but because I admire her courage. It cant be easy to expose yourself to the world (both your extreme idea AND your breast) and let in the barrage of opinions. According to a follow up article she has been approached and called a “child molester”, a “horrible mother”, and “a sinner”. I cannot fathom the heartbreak it would cause me to hear those words from someone. I cannot imagine how it would feel to see the community call you a shitty parent, when the exact reason you made such an extreme decision was because you loved your child so much.

So Jamie Grumet, where ever you are tonight - thank you. Thank you for having enough bravery to show the world that there are many different ways to be a good mother. Thank you for making us think outside the box, go outside our comfort zones, and make parenting today (the good, the bad, the ugly, and the naked) a topic of water cooler conversation. Maybe because of that bravery other mothers will be able to say, this is how I parent. Its not for everyone, but its for me.

In addition, I watched Jamie on the Today show, and she spoke about the cover. She said she understood why TIME used it (for controversy of course), but that its not exactly as it seems. That when she breastfeeds, its a loving, nurturing time. Its not all day, every day. Her son does not stand on a box and grab a boob. There is nothing sexual about it (and dear God, WHY can we not get over this boobs as a sexual object thing? To a grown man? Yes. To a baby or young child. NO!). Like I said (and I want to be clear on this) I would not practice extended breastfeeding in this manner. Its not for me. But I feel like the bigger picture is that a mother should be able to do what she chooses with her children AS LONG AS THEIR HEALTH AND SAFETY ARE NOT COMPROMISED.

And is this way of feeding compromising her sons health? At least mentally? I guess you could argue that. Im sure in some way it might be. Then again, there are a number of things we do as parents over the years that may cause the same mental harm - but we dont mean it. Parenting is a series of guesses - you win some, you lose some, and you hope you dont fuck them up forever.

Anyhow, thats my opinion. Everyone has one, no ones is wrong, but it sure is a shame to see people spitting hatred at someone they dont know, for a choice that she genuinely made out of love. Then again, I guess if you dont want to be judged you just do everything behind closed doors.

Friday, May 4, 2012

So I says to myself, I says “self, you need to start blogging it out” ....

Where does the time go?

Between washing diapers, nursing, baby wearing, and all the other things a hippie momma wanna be does (like gardening? Yeah I said it), blogging has taken a backseat.

So what have we done in the last few months?

* Accomplished an NTC rotation and the shortest deployment EVER.
* John outgrew colic. It is amazing. He laughs a lot now, and so do we.
* The big one got a girlfriend. Im hoping our next baby is a boy. I can be a mom of all boys. Girls ... eh, not so much.
*Were trying for #3. Surprise?

So now Im working on weight loss, which is a total bitch. I do a bunch of crap around the house that makes me feel like a housewife; however, I have gotten a large group of other mommies together for the ThursDAY drinking club. Its pretty awesome to know youve helped a lot of people get out and be social (and have an excuse to drink wine during the daytime hours). I sing to my kids, I read bedtime stories, I attempt to be a cool wife and not lose my edge (even while singing the Yo Gabba Gabba theme song). I try not to obsess about baby number three, but our family just feels like it needs one more member to be complete. Allen offered to get me a puppy while we wait, but Im not that stupid. Puppies grow into dogs, and sex grows into babies, and the whole thing makes me tired.

I eventually learned that paychecks arent everything. I have some cute flats now - they look as good as my heels, but I can run in them. I figured out that moms have really long days, but when the kids are asleep I miss them. I found out I actually can do it alone - I can take care of two kids, hit the gym, do some couponing, drink wine with my girlfriends, and find time to reorganize the babies closet.

Staying at home isnt ever what I thought Id do. It wasnt in my 10 year plan. But the sheer joy I find in every day now is astounding. When I worked I felt accomplished, but I dont know that I was happy. Happy, it turns out, isnt frantic. Its not bulldozing, or worrysome. Its quiet, and content. It just *is*. Thats a good feeling.

Also Im not half bad at this gig. All three of these boys are happy, healthy, and they seem fufilled. They all love mom. And Allen is really really excited to have another one. I always hear that husbands are hesitant, but he wanted another before I did. Although now I cant think of anything better than a big, loud, messy family.

But lets not get crazy. Were already big, loud, and super messy. But .... were happy.

So theres that.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Am I ever going to post again?

I seem to make my way here once a month. Im working on updating my Photo A Day Blog pretty religiously, so this one takes a back seat. Not to mention that a now very active 4 month old and a VERY active 13 year old make for one tired momma. Its like 2 kids 1 mom and the outcome is me passing out in the shower sometime around midnight.

Remember when I bitched and moaned and cried about how I was bored and I just wanted the baby to come so I had something to do? And then I got a bonus kid (aka the big one came to live with us) so I went from no kids here to 2. And then I lost a husband .... well thats a POOR fucking choice of words. What I meant was my husband had other things to attend to. So now Im getting tag teamed every night and not in a good way.

The big one got his first girlfriend the other day. He came home and told me he had a girlfriend, to which I replied “so now what are you going to do?”. He thought about it for a minute and then said “be really nice to her and give her everything she wants ... as long as its not too ridiculous”.  I was actually speechless at this because it was such a great answer - hes obviously been paying some attention.

Today we went and picked out her Valentines Day present. I told Devon that since he was a man now that he was going to buy something with his own money - after all, thats what men do (would you want to hear from your boyfriend that his mom paid for your gift? No, and Im not going to set that precedence). As soon as we got to the store you would have thought I told him to shop with no pants on. He got super shy and just looked at the floor in the valentine aisle. I kept pointing out things but he was like “I dont know, I dont know”. Finally I settled on a stuffed panda with a box of chocolates - it was small, cute, $10, and most importantly it didnt warrant some 7th grade girl breaking her morals because she felt like she owed him one. And if you dont know what I mean by that sentence I refuse to explain it because I have a mental block as to what it might mean. There have been many sex talks in this house, and in abstract its okay. In specific I will die.

As for the wee one, he is still a needy little dictator, but nothing compared to what weve been through. Hes a mommas boy to his core, which makes me wonder if he doesnt understand that something is different. I know he doesnt GET it, but maybe he gets that things arent quite the same. This is what worries me about Allen coming home for a two week rest soon ... were really just getting into a groove and then were going to start all over again. But, its worth it. It always is.

As for the very large one, hes out there. Somewhere. Doing something. But, because he cant call, or email or even write, I dont know what that is. These times are when love is like religion - you have to believe in something that you cant see, or hear. You just have to know in your heart that it exists. If the two separations werent on the heels of each other this one certainly wouldnt be that big of a deal, but I think because its back to back it makes things crazy. This whole thing has been crazy - but I guess its never boring.

As for me (the medium one?) Ive gotten a bit of breathing room since the very large one creates so much work (and this is proven because I have more time when hes gone). We joined the Y, and I even left John in daycare the other day. Of course they had to come and get me an hour into it but honestly - thats 55 more minutes than I gave him for his first time. We go back again on Tuesday so Im hoping hell last the entire time. Well see. Johns bedtime is regulating so I get a good few hours at night when both kids are quiet and I can read, or Facebook, or update the blog. Things are quiet, and boring, but now I appreciate that. After seeing so many people go through heartbreak with pregnancies and babies, I am grateful for two happy, healthy boys, even when they drive me insane. On that note, I am also grateful for wine.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Fancy meeting you here ...

Has it really been a month since I posted? I always meant to, and then something else would come up. Usually a crying child.

We are finally (finally Jesus) coming out the other side of colic. The worst seems to be behind us now, but there were days when I just decided that screaming would be my entire life. Once I settled into it, instead of fighting it, things got much easier. I joined some support groups, talked to some other moms, and generally tramped through. My hair is a lot more gray and John is still no where NEAR an easy baby. But he has dimples ... little itty bitty baby dimples ... and that makes up for a lot.

Otherwise were just prepping for the goodbye. The days are full and the nights are long (sleeping through the night??? Not here!) but everything passes so fast. I look up and a week has gone by and I dont remember it. And Im not even drinking this time.

Ive been spending a lot of time online, substituting Facebook and online interactions for the “real thing”. My goal for this year is to do the exact opposite. Im not happy being a recluse, so even if its easier to chat online I HAVE to get off my ass, dust myself off, and remember who I am.

In the words of someone today - I have to go get a life ... mine .....