Monday, May 30, 2011

Thing One or Thing Two?

Lately Ive been hit with the “how many babies are you going to pop out” debate.

You’d think I could get this one out before we start thinking about the possible conception of the hypothetical next ..... but youd be wrong.

(As always, let me preface this by saying that the number of children a couple has, what age they have them, and how far apart they have them is a personal and private decision that should be made by you and your partner. I have no interest in the who, what or where of anyone else - but sometimes I do need to write about whats good for my personal situation)

If I had more time Id go into a lot of the research Ive done (Ive mentioned that I have time, no?). I have a google PHD in all things sibling and only child related.

We have a unique situation on our hands .... John wont be an only child, as hell have a big brother. However, he also wont have a sibling close in age - and, we have the challenge of keeping both boys on the same level and not treating either of them any differently. Devon is with us half the time (and Im praying we stay here at least through high school so it can be slightly more than half), but a 12 (very close to 13) year age gap is certainly going to prevent a very close brother relationship.

So then we have our time crunch - if we want to do it again, we best get started trying IMMEDIATELY after John is born. It took us 4 years to have this little bean, and there was no indication of anything that had changed (as we LITERALLY got the tests done a matter of months before conception) besides a few lifestyle changes that may have contributed to such. Therefore, Im not sure wether to be optimistic that we could do it again if we wanted, or to be unsure that it wouldnt be another 4 years ..... which ... no. Everyone is different, but I dont want to be having babies much past 30. Most of that is because when you start as young as I did, I cant see having the kids THAT staggered. If were going to do it, its got to be 2 under 2, get through a few bumps in the road, and then well hit our stride.

Most of me (Id say 85%) thinks that two is just perfect. We had given up on having even one more, so now that were doing it, I dont see much need to try to do it again. It seems that most people believe we should keep going now that weve started ---- but I just cant figure out if Im capable of having another.

I know that things might change when John is here, so I dont want to shut any doors as of yet. Allen and I have agreed that having another isnt what road were on right now, BUT that we wont make any real decisions until John is 18 months (which is supposedly the ideal time to conceive another one). If at that time weve decided against it, then well make some permanent arrangements for birth control.

For me personally, I want to go back to work, after giving John a solid 6 months to a year (job searching around here for a quality job is expected to take a year) of me staying at home. I want to be able to keep our activities, including date nights without kiddos, and the ability to go places and do things. I know this is completely do-able with two, especially now that we are close to family ..... but, is it practical? I honestly dont know, so thats why Im looking to anyone who may have an expert opinion.

Remember, we are going to have 2 children, so this isnt an “anti baby” posting, or a judgement on anyone who has 3, 4 or even 8 kids. Everyone is different. Its just a decision that will eventually have to be made ..... and I like to weigh all the possible options before I make a choice about the rest of my life :)

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Its good to know ...

That army wife dramatics are every where you go.

It has NOTHING to do with me, nor am I even a part of any of it (nor do I want to be!).  But its out there, and now facebooking is seeming to be my job.!

I actually remember this with my first group of friends at Lewis. Now, I met these girls and we may not have had a lot in common, but they were genuinely nice. As time went on, 4 of them were pregnant or had babies - and I was not, or didn't. I felt sort of on the fringes of the group, but I was also meeting other people that I had more in common with. Regardless, the first group of girls were nice people, and I had no reason to dislike them. Sometimes you meet people who are wonderful, but you just dont have anything in common. And thats okay - you cant be BFF’s with everyone.

One day, one of the girls from the group decided to tell me that the others had “talked” about me. Looking back now, the things that they “said” were pretty harmless and I can see why they may have thought it funny that I had my son young or that I didn't come out with the entire story right away (mostly because I had been judged my whole life for being a young mom, and was hoping that wouldn't carry over to my new married life). I of course, didn't say that I had heard bad things were being said. I just carried on, but with resentment, and finally just walked away from those girls. Because, I didn't want to be friends with people who would say those kinds of things about me, and obviously it wasn't worth me staying around to be laughed at. I was embarrassed, and my feelings were hurt.

Fast forward 4 years later, and I realize how stupid that was. I should have just asked the girls if it hurt me. I should have maybe wondered why I was getting that particular Public Service Announcement - was it to “save” me, or was it because there were other problems inside that group I didnt know about? I learned years later what may have been the dynamic behind that particular incident, and I feel foolish that I reacted so harshly. I think it was a lot because Devon is my Achilles heel - the one thing guaranteed to make me feel awful. I think another part was because I was a new wife, still very young (just 23), and still insecure about who I was - in myself, and in life in general. It was also a lot because I didnt have the self confidence to stand up for myself and directly address the problem. All of those things, plus people who (possibly) were going through some of the same thing, and that was a recipe for hurt feelings and a lot of misunderstanding.

I am happy to report that I have since apologized for my actions, and am still in touch with 3 of those 4 girls. It took a lot to say I was wrong - but I was. And that was a great lesson in being humble, and admitting when my pride and my feelings got the best of me. It certainly wouldnt be the last time that I put my foot in my mouth (having a small inner filter comes with a longer learning curve I suppose), but it would be the last time I ever just walked away without the whole story. Now, if youre going to get rid of me, its going to be work dammit.

The tables also flipped on me about 6 months ago, when I had a wonderful friend who I adored tell me that I had talked behind her back. It was strange, because I dont remember doing that, but I would have liked to talk about it. Had I said something to someone that was taken out of context, it would have been nice to at least send that friend off with the knowledge that, she may not want to be friends with me, but she can at least know that people arent sitting there laughing at her behind her back. Because that is a crappy feeling, and I know what its like. Ill never know what it is that I “said”, but I can tell you if it was malicious then it wasnt what I meant. For a bit I was upset  really pissed off (lets be honest) about that, because I couldnt imagine why someone wouldnt want to talk something like that through. But then I realized, that I had been in that situation, and all the feelings it had brought for me. After that I stopped being mad, but I do feel bad that this person will always think someone was laughing behind her back that wasnt. No matter if you like someone or not, you never want to feel like people are having negative conversations about you. Its just ... an icky feeling :)

Anyways, as I watch these current dramatics unfurl over facebook (dont they always?), I feel bad for everyone involved (although, as a third party I can say that it seems to be fueled by one person exclusively ....). No one LIKES to fight ( well, I suppose I shouldnt say NO one, but no one sane ....). No one LIKES to be thought of as an asshole, no matter what they think of the person who is saying it. Even though conflict can be entertaining, and can often distract you from the parts of your life that need fixing, it doesnt HELP anything. Its like waking up after a night of drinking - sure, it felt good, but now your life is still shit AND you have a hangover.

As for me, if you hear someone venting about me - dont ever tell me. If I were 100% innocent of NEVER voicing my opinion about anyone, then I could judge. But, if we think about it, Im pretty sure we all have a friend or someone that we go to and tell them things that are bothering us. Most of those things get cleared up as soon as we talk them over - and if youre like me, you have several people in your life who wont just “poor baby” you. THey will tell you when youre being ridiculous, or when you are straight up WRONG. Those are friends. Friends dont agree with you, jump on your drama, and lead your bandwagon into hellfire. Friends stand in front of you to stop you from hurting yourself or others. Those are the people I want in my life.

With that said, most of the things you might be upset about get cleared up once you see things from an outside perspective.  Therefore, unless someone is plotting to kill me, my children, or steal my husband, I WILL point the finger back at you if you come to me with some bullshit. If you start a sentence with “I just want you to know that so and so said _____ about you”, be prepared for me to shoot the messenger. Because no good comes of something like that, and I dont trust anyone who wants to pour no good into my life.

Also, ladies? We all need to chill out.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Short, fat and happy :)

- Almost 24 weeks. Grow baby grow!

- We bought a BAP yesterday. That is short for a big ass pool. Its an 18 foot blow up pool ... which is pretty crazy. But I have a backyard full of sand, and Im tired of doing grass dances to grow anything worth mentioning. Our cure for that? Get a pool so that we can swim away this hellfire and damnation summer heat. I assume itll be either the best purchase we ever made OR the Clampett’s get a swimmin’ hole.

- We didnt die yesterday. Now that we didnt, can I be honest? I was a TINY bit nervous. Not because I thought some old asshole was right, but because I was then worried that God would show Camping AND the Rapture jokesters that they were all assholes and come back on May 22. So .... if that happens today, you heard it here first.

- Allen will also be going on his first field training since deployment ... that means weve been solidly together for almost ELEVEN months straight. Thats completely insane, but at least they are starting us off small. Ten days in the field --- AND, hes in an armor unit now, so there are no females in his company! Not that it matters, as he isnt the type to go out and cheat with anyone, especially a female co-worker, but it still makes me feel better. I plan on actually getting John’s room in order when hes gone, and there will be a girls night at my house now that we have the pool :) Plus, we bought this nice new house, so its probably about time we have people over!

- I dont think my friends back at Lewis quite believe how happy I am here. I know it seems like Im just saying it because its much easier than explaining any unhappiness. But I can honestly say that I am in a wonderful and happy place right now. Ive met some great girls, and continue to do so. Im so much closer to everything I know and love. I love the sun, I love our house, I love the area ..... 

Lots of sunshine over here. Its just nice to be in a place I want to be, instead of just one I have to be. 

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Finally finished the front yard ...

Want to know what is the best thing EVER? NOT being on bedrest. CAPS required.

The front yard is finally done, with the addition of the pink hibiscus tree the daddy bought me today (Hinesville Farmers Market is AMAZING. I just ate fresh GA peaches and cream and wanted to cry it was so good), that is in the right corner. The yard is guarded by the lawn gnomes - but at the first sign of revolt, they’re gone.

All in all, if we ever get orders out of here Im going to cry. Hard. I love our house, I love the big GA blue sky, and I love this little town. I know well have to leave someday, but hoping that someday comes a loooooong time from now. 

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Follow up today

About to head in for our follow up U/S (good thing we already had one scheduled with the tech!) to see if I can get off this damn modified bedrest. I have to give major kudos to anyone who can do full bedrest for months at a time and not go totally bat shit crazy (or .... maybe its just that I was so close to the line as it is ...). Anyhow:

Dear baby John and / or the placenta:

Mommy is trying to network and make friends before her vagina blows out and she has to stay in the house for a few months. Couple that with Daddy’s inevitable deployment schedule, and were going to need someone to bring us food if it comes to that. So, in interest of getting the hell off this couch AND in interest of not dragging you to the IGA at 2 am because I have no other choice (which ... I will ....), please help mommy stop this bleeding. You can then go back to jumping on my bladder like a trampoline. I know - its way fun.

EDIT - prayers do work! Or, ER doctors really arent that smart. Either way you cut it, we went from about an 8.5 on the alarm system to around a 2. Basically meaning that what was once thought to be previa so bad that I had to take to bedrest and a c section is now a MARGINAL previa that should absolutely move itself by the 28 week check (and if not then, for sure by delivery). The bleeding was likely NOT caused by this, but by breaking capillaries in my (apparently strong and very healthy, yay me?) cervix by too much .... stuff (no further details please).

So, hopefully that is my one big scare throughout this pregnancy and we can now just be thankful it was only a weekend, and not the entire time. Despite it all, even if it would have meant the next 18 weeks lying in bed and not moving, I would have made it work. It would have drove me nuts, but I would have done it for this little rockstar.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

I cant bring myself to say Placenta in a Facebook status.

So the basics, of what I know, is that I have something called placenta previa.

This is just what Ive learned from the ER doc, so Ive still got some learning to do myself. Our full anatomy scan was set for Tuesday, so they would have found this out then anyhow (if youll remember, our gender scan was done at a 4D place since we spent so long in transition).

Basically what I know of placenta previa comes from my Google MD, though I went to the ER at Liberty Medical Center here ... its a 2 story tiny hospital, but the staff was really nice and the doctor took more time to explain things than any other doctor Ive ever had.

The good news about it is that is can, and very often does fix itself, so that is an extreme positive. As the uterus stretches the placenta should migrate towards the top. The bad news is that it usually does this in the beginning of pregnancy, so now at 22 weeks its a cause for monitoring. If it hasnt righted itself by 34 ish weeks then they will go ahead and schedule my c - section. Which, also for those of you who follow, is pretty much the exact opposite of the medication free natural birth Ive planned. But, you make plans and God laughs, so as long as we have a healthy baby I dont care if they have to get him out with a forklift (though, would obviously prefer that be some sort of last restort).

The other bad thing about this now is that it has been causing bleeding. Not a whole lot, but obviously enough that they sent me to the emergency room. That is the cause for the vaginal rest (and every single person, including my midwife has profusely apologized to Allen for this ....) and for modified bed rest (which was explained to me as no moving anything, no lifting, and no standing for long periods of time).   They want to make sure that the bleeding doesnt get worse - apparently, that is the cause for most premature births is that this condition can cause the mother to hemorrhage inside, and that means they have to take the baby out ASAP.

But, Im not thinking down that track just yet. Ive already read a lot of stories where a complete previa has righted itself when diagnosed this early! So for now Im going to just say a lot of prayers that my placenta resumes being the rock star that it was early on (you know, when it stopped me getting sick all day every day?) and I can resume normal activities in a few weeks. Until my 28 week scan where they can determine how severe this is going to stay, Im going to be getting even more rest than before. Yay me?

Thats just one site on placenta previa. A good note right now is that Im only 22 weeks so this baby has a good month to rearrange the furniture in there and make it right!

Another good note is that John is currently 1.3 pounds and seems to still be as active as ever. Although, we may have the youngest anger management member ever on our hands, as everytime a doctor gets close to him with the monitoring devices he can be seen actually punching back. Thats my kid!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Favorite Things

I could watch this all day and never get tired of it.

Baby John last month. We see him again in a few days (rather, I do) and Im wondering how much hes grown!

Friday, May 13, 2011

This is officially the last time I carry a spawn

Here we are, with another round of measure the blood and call me in an hour. It seems to be Johns FAVORITE game, but honestly I dont know how much more I (or Daddy) can take.

The pregnancy seems to be fine. There is nothing that theyve found WRONG. By all accounts, Ive had a very normal and healthy pregnancy. But then out of no where, I bleed. In fact, its always on the days where I remark on how healthy I feel that I sit down to use the restroom and get a big surprise. No one seems overly concerned about it. No one has said that this will stop me from a natural birth. Everything seems okay ..... so I guess I dont get it.

I dont want to worry my mom, and I dont want to talk about it on Facebook (oh, I have boundaries ....they are just waaaaaay past other peoples). Allen has his Google MD in vaginal bleeding (nasty words!) by now, and we both know what it COULD be. But we dont know what it is.

So Im laying down for the next few hours to count the movements and check the blood. I can already tell its slowed ... it seems to come fast, and then completely leave, which surprised my midwife at my hour check in just now - although she was pleased that it was good news.

 Weve been through this with my last doctor, but I must say that the midwife is a Godsend. When it happened with my doctor we couldnt get through after hours, so we talked to the triage nurse at the ER and got advice. Then I talked to the nurse at the Dr’s office the next day who was pretty to the point about it not being a concern. The midwife on after hours duty was really available, asked a lot of questions, and is pointing me things to do so we can check the progress. Then, if things dont improve, shell be at the center for me to come in.

Through it all, as Im doing movement counts, this bundle of energy is making himself known. While Devon is my sweet boy (even at 12), I can tell that John is going to be my little ball of fire. I dont even mind, I just want him to stay in there long enough to grow so strong that Ill be exhausted at the end of every day. And then when I want to tear my hair out Ill look back and remember the fear of losing him was like. I doubt anything will seem so bad then.

So if anyone actually reads this ... which I dont know that anyone does, but if you do, maybe you could say a prayer. Im feeling better, the pain is subsiding and I have an ultrasound first thing on Tuesday morning .... but if not for this time, then for the next. Just to get our baby John into the world safe and sound. After that Ill take any back bad things that Im due ... just as long as he comes out okay.

** EDIT **** seems like were fine. 12 hours no blood, no contractions. It doesnt help that Im pretty paranoid (after 4 years and this kid pops up I suppose Im just scared to lose him). So, thanks for praying :)

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Turnin’ a ho into a housewife ....

Well - something like that.

Since I A) Have a whole lot of free time and B) they wont pay me to facebook (which is super lame because Im really good at it!) I’ve decided to chronicle all the ways I transform into the trophy wife the good Lord intended me to be.

That is, if trophy wives are intended to wear Motherhood Maternity (instead of Alexander McQueen) and do all the work themselves (instead of a nanny, cook, and a gardener). But I digress.

The first order of business is actually feeding my poor husband something that DOESNT originate from a box, or come from the frozen food section. Im not a terrible cook, but lots of work + lots of morning (and noon, and night .... ) sickness have made it a fend for yourself situation around the Cone household. I figured that the man has foraged for sticks and berries long enough.

So Im going on a kick that I like to call the Dumbass Gourmet. That pretty much means that Im going to start cooking shit that isnt hard, that the husband thinks I am awesome for, and that doesnt cost me hundreds of dollars. Also, I wont be using things like quail eggs, I wont be combining ginger avocado duck asshole confit. I have no idea what confit is either - I just read it in a book. Ill be making real folks food.

Yesterday I made a pretty run of the mill chicken and rice. Its hard to fuck that up, so thats what I started with. It came out nice, no one died, and no one lost their ass on the toilet later that night. Ergo, a success.

Today I decided to branch out a little, though I must say that I did marry a VERY meat n’ taters sort of man. We could have steak and starch every night of every week and hed be happy as a pig in shit. Unfortunately for him, the rest of us require some sort of variety.  I started with something that was easy for him to understand, yet with enough twist to keep me happy.

I made pastry shell mini pot pies. They actually turned out fantastic, and youd never believe how easy or cheap they were.

I took the mini puff pastry shells (sold in 8 packs) and set them on a cookie sheet.

Beat 4 medium eggs together. Distribute evenly through the pastry shells (just a little is fine).

Combine a can of mixed veggies - drained,  a can of sliced white potatoes - drained(I chopped them up into smaller bits), 3 oz of shredded cheese and about 5 oz of cooked diced ham. (I know it sounds gross, but bear with me).

Then add 1/2 t. of mustard powder. Combine all that shit up into a big fat nasty mix. Then distribute into the pastry shells. Just dump it right on top of the egg.

I then added just a touch of shredded cheese onto each little pie for shits and giggles.

I put it in for about 30 minutes at 400 degrees. The important part is that the egg is done.

So it was like a quiche pot pie. CLASSY.

Then for a side I cut up mangos and peaches and tossed them together (Emril watch out!).

The final product was:

Actually very delicious. I know it sounds strange, but they were surprisingly fantastic. 

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Facebook is mocking me.

 Facebook keeps asking me to “update my work information”.

First, fuck you Facebook, its none of your business. Second, I saw the Social Network (well, part of it. Before I fell asleep. It all got pretty lame once Justin Timberlake was a Napster CEO or something) and Mark Zuckerberg is an asshole. Third ... I have no idea what to say.

Now, let me preface this by saying that there is NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING A STAY AT HOME WIFE OR MOTHER. There is always some damn asshole who is insecure with their own choices who wants to read the words that I write and relay them to THEM. I dont write for judgement .... I ONLY write what *I* know, and what *IM* going through. If that were to coincide with one of your inner struggles, Im immensely sorry .... but its not about anyone but me (Hello ... Im a narcissist remember??).  Im not always the best at getting across what Id like to say, so I want to make sure there is no confusion.

There is nothing wrong with staying at home, and moreover, thats what I do right this second. But - there is a transition time. Im sure anyone who was or currently is staying at home can remember the way it felt to go from a job, or school, what have you, to spending full time on your house and family.

Im finally starting to feel the transition crunch, now that life is leveling out a bit. Its not that there arent plenty of things to do ... cleaning needs to be done, pictures to be hung, there are sill boxes everywhere. But I have this mindset (that Ive had for years now) of my “off” days being the only time I have to rest and re-cooperate. I’ve never been housekeeper of the year - and I know Ill get my ass kicked by some of my wonderful friends that love nothing more than the smell of bleach, but I hate cleaning. Seriously. Hate. So I put it off as long as possible, because Im still used to rewarding myself with “me” time for all my hard work during the week. But ..... thats not exactly applicable anymore.

I do enjoy being at home. I enjoy that my day is my own (at least until Devon gets here, and then John) to read, sit in the sun, get the house together. I like that I can meet girlfriends for lunch, and that our weekends arent full of all the crap we didnt get to do during the weekday. Its nice to feel rested, and to never want to scream in frustration as the zillionth person wants something from me.

I love that, for the first time, I feel like I can actually take care of my home. Of my husband. That I can help him relax because he doesnt have to go to work and then help me fix the 100 things that I didnt have time for during the week.

My main problem is that I defined myself by my school, and then my job for a long time. When you work for a living (working defined as out in the world, having a boss, ect) there is a certain amount of accomplishment that you feel when you finish a project, or really use your head and fix a problem. Also ... you get to go home from work. There is no break from the current job I have now.

My definition of work is sort of loosely in pieces, and I have to figure out how to put those pieces together in my new life.

I will say that Im not SAD about where life has taken me. Sometimes I pay my student loans with a BIG SIGH because thats a lot of money that Im not making. However, I also dont feel the need to shop compulsively after a particularly crap day at work. Its also pretty rewarding to have an actual conversation with the man you married without work scattered on the table, or a headache from all the noise you heard throughout the day.

So, Im working it. Like I said, there is NO SHAME in staying at home. Someone has got to run this damn family, and for too long we were on autopilot, giving the best of our gifts to the world instead of our home. I honestly think this is one of the most rewarding things that you can do - give up what use to be your dreams and goals to ensure that your family is getting the best of you.

There is also NO SHAME in being a working parent (which I plan to do as well, when the time is right). Im only accentuating the things that I see inside myself, the struggles and the joys that I face. No judgements here.

So over the next few months, I will work on redefining what makes me, ME. I need to find out who *I* (and no one else) is as a SAH wife and mother. I need to figure out how I can best use the gifts God gave me to not only better my family, but leave my corner of the world a better place. It could mean my social skills (getting other moms like me out of the house and into friendships!). It could mean that I focus on something charitable, or devote my time to a church family once we find one. I know for sure that itll mean both my sons and my husband will know that they are loved, honored and cherished.

Ive never pegged myself for a Susie Homemaker - so I have to figure out how to be Susie’s badass black sheeped sister in law, who serves Vodka in the tea and who throws a Passion Party instead of a Tupperware one. There is a way to do this, and a way to do it well ... I just have to figure out what that means for who I am - and for who I want to be.

So thats my answer Facebook. I am Founder and CEO of the doing whatever I do in the most bad ass way possible company.

PS - I give props to all the fantastic women I know. The ones who worked up until the day their kids were born and went right back to work, the ones who rock this stay at home gig and kick ass at it, the ones who do school work and are hot as hell, and make everyone wonder how they have it all figured out. If Ive learned nothing else the past month its that NO ONE has the right answers. The right answer is whats best for YOU and for YOUR family. And anyone who doesnt get that can kiss ass.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Home Sweet Home!

We have finally reached our destination, bought and moved into our home, and even have cable and shit now. As Im posting this the movers are throwing all of our shit in the house around me.

There is no one more careless than Army movers. Apparently they know that they are getting paid regardless, so they pretty much just break whatever they want. So far we have two destroyed bookcases, a fishing pole, and our damn chimnea which pisses me off to no end. I really liked that thing, and despite the fact that Georgia in the summer isnt exactly ideal for fires .... its the fact.

However, it feels amazing to see all of our old stuff in our new home. And the fact that its THIS new home makes it even better. We havent been here quite a week, so I suppose this could just be the honeymoon phase. But as I type there are just a few little clouds in the gorgeous blue sky, its 80 degrees and the humidity hasnt quite kicked in yet.

Hinesville certainly isnt a buzzing metropolis (only at the Walmart, which seems to be the hub of the city!) and Ludowici where we live is even smaller (there is no way to see our house on a GPS ...). But for some reason Im incredibly content here. We have a few neighbors now, all military. Our houses dont go ass to ass, and there is no one right behind us.  All our neighbors are really nice and friendly. I know that someday having nothing to do might creep up on me .... but right now Im pretty content to set up our home, and grow this baby.

We also met with our midwife yesterday at the birthing center. John is growing like a beast, with a strong heartbeat still. He also gave the midwife a swift kick when she put the Doppler on him, which made us laugh. He is his father’s son, and he knows what he doesnt like.

I cant put into words how genuinely content I am. I used to think that content was another word for “just okay”. Now I see that its a peace that you cant describe - that I could repeat this day over and over for the rest of my life, and that would be just fine with me.

Its a comfort for me, at least initially. I have been so terrified of losing my identity. Ive worked for so long, and to have to leave all of that behind and take on a new job (the wife / mother role) was so scary for me that I had no idea how I could do it. Once again, it hasnt been that long .... but there is such a peace in me right now that Im actually excited about whats to come. Im looking forward to having time to be a mother, to be a wife, and to actually enjoy life .... instead of just running from work, to social obligations, to run errands, ect. That was the main point of this move .... to remember what life is like at 10 MPH instead of 100.

I miss some of my amazing friends, but thankfully the ones who are around are still just as close as before. I dont feel like Im losing anything by being far away. Other than that, Im not looking back to Washington. I keep saying that because Im waiting for it. Its like a punch that you prepare for ... I keep expecting all this sadness to reach up and smack me in the face. So far it hasnt, but if it does I have a lot of wonderful things here to keep me grounded.

So, in closing, this was possibly the best move weve ever made. We try to make the best out of everything anyways, but this is beyond even what I expected!