Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Its good to know ...

That army wife dramatics are every where you go.

It has NOTHING to do with me, nor am I even a part of any of it (nor do I want to be!).  But its out there, and now facebooking is seeming to be my job.!

I actually remember this with my first group of friends at Lewis. Now, I met these girls and we may not have had a lot in common, but they were genuinely nice. As time went on, 4 of them were pregnant or had babies - and I was not, or didn't. I felt sort of on the fringes of the group, but I was also meeting other people that I had more in common with. Regardless, the first group of girls were nice people, and I had no reason to dislike them. Sometimes you meet people who are wonderful, but you just dont have anything in common. And thats okay - you cant be BFF’s with everyone.

One day, one of the girls from the group decided to tell me that the others had “talked” about me. Looking back now, the things that they “said” were pretty harmless and I can see why they may have thought it funny that I had my son young or that I didn't come out with the entire story right away (mostly because I had been judged my whole life for being a young mom, and was hoping that wouldn't carry over to my new married life). I of course, didn't say that I had heard bad things were being said. I just carried on, but with resentment, and finally just walked away from those girls. Because, I didn't want to be friends with people who would say those kinds of things about me, and obviously it wasn't worth me staying around to be laughed at. I was embarrassed, and my feelings were hurt.

Fast forward 4 years later, and I realize how stupid that was. I should have just asked the girls if it hurt me. I should have maybe wondered why I was getting that particular Public Service Announcement - was it to “save” me, or was it because there were other problems inside that group I didnt know about? I learned years later what may have been the dynamic behind that particular incident, and I feel foolish that I reacted so harshly. I think it was a lot because Devon is my Achilles heel - the one thing guaranteed to make me feel awful. I think another part was because I was a new wife, still very young (just 23), and still insecure about who I was - in myself, and in life in general. It was also a lot because I didnt have the self confidence to stand up for myself and directly address the problem. All of those things, plus people who (possibly) were going through some of the same thing, and that was a recipe for hurt feelings and a lot of misunderstanding.

I am happy to report that I have since apologized for my actions, and am still in touch with 3 of those 4 girls. It took a lot to say I was wrong - but I was. And that was a great lesson in being humble, and admitting when my pride and my feelings got the best of me. It certainly wouldnt be the last time that I put my foot in my mouth (having a small inner filter comes with a longer learning curve I suppose), but it would be the last time I ever just walked away without the whole story. Now, if youre going to get rid of me, its going to be work dammit.

The tables also flipped on me about 6 months ago, when I had a wonderful friend who I adored tell me that I had talked behind her back. It was strange, because I dont remember doing that, but I would have liked to talk about it. Had I said something to someone that was taken out of context, it would have been nice to at least send that friend off with the knowledge that, she may not want to be friends with me, but she can at least know that people arent sitting there laughing at her behind her back. Because that is a crappy feeling, and I know what its like. Ill never know what it is that I “said”, but I can tell you if it was malicious then it wasnt what I meant. For a bit I was upset  really pissed off (lets be honest) about that, because I couldnt imagine why someone wouldnt want to talk something like that through. But then I realized, that I had been in that situation, and all the feelings it had brought for me. After that I stopped being mad, but I do feel bad that this person will always think someone was laughing behind her back that wasnt. No matter if you like someone or not, you never want to feel like people are having negative conversations about you. Its just ... an icky feeling :)

Anyways, as I watch these current dramatics unfurl over facebook (dont they always?), I feel bad for everyone involved (although, as a third party I can say that it seems to be fueled by one person exclusively ....). No one LIKES to fight ( well, I suppose I shouldnt say NO one, but no one sane ....). No one LIKES to be thought of as an asshole, no matter what they think of the person who is saying it. Even though conflict can be entertaining, and can often distract you from the parts of your life that need fixing, it doesnt HELP anything. Its like waking up after a night of drinking - sure, it felt good, but now your life is still shit AND you have a hangover.

As for me, if you hear someone venting about me - dont ever tell me. If I were 100% innocent of NEVER voicing my opinion about anyone, then I could judge. But, if we think about it, Im pretty sure we all have a friend or someone that we go to and tell them things that are bothering us. Most of those things get cleared up as soon as we talk them over - and if youre like me, you have several people in your life who wont just “poor baby” you. THey will tell you when youre being ridiculous, or when you are straight up WRONG. Those are friends. Friends dont agree with you, jump on your drama, and lead your bandwagon into hellfire. Friends stand in front of you to stop you from hurting yourself or others. Those are the people I want in my life.

With that said, most of the things you might be upset about get cleared up once you see things from an outside perspective.  Therefore, unless someone is plotting to kill me, my children, or steal my husband, I WILL point the finger back at you if you come to me with some bullshit. If you start a sentence with “I just want you to know that so and so said _____ about you”, be prepared for me to shoot the messenger. Because no good comes of something like that, and I dont trust anyone who wants to pour no good into my life.

Also, ladies? We all need to chill out.

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