I thought this was supposed to be the happiest time of your life? Arent I supposed to be dressing in white with my partner while we both sing .... baby chants or whatever .... to each other? Arent I supposed to be sick but still able to glow with happiness?
Ive been here going on 4 years, and never really thought about just "going home". Im not that kind of person, nor do I want to be. But I cant tell you the extraordinary loneliness that I feel right now. Its all encompassing.
The squadron is in the field, and that means that Allen IS here, but he has to do a million 24 hour shifts, so its usually just me alone at night. And I dont mind it because all I do is come home, eat dinner, and Im in bed by 7 pm. Im so exhausted that its my own fault - its not as if Im making any effort to get out there and have coffee dates or do dinners. I just wish I could make it that long before wanting to pass out.
I really hope this is just the hormones talking. Im so lonely, and Im so scared, and I have no idea whats going on in my body. Ive heard a million horror stories and for all my controlling tendencies I have no idea what is going on in there. I want to lay on a couch and moan about how sick I am and have my mom, or Dana, or even my sister or my aunts with me. I miss the people who know me the very best right now. I want someone to tell me that what is happening is okay - that Im not crazy, and that its okay to be scared.
As women sometimes we think a lot about how something makes us feel, but we forget that there is usually a person on the other side of that situation. Im trying not to be too upset because I know there is a group that doesnt want to hear about mom things, and there is a group that would do anything to be where I am. There is always someone I dont want to offend, so I feel a little trapped inside all of this.
I just want to go home. I want, more than anything, to be surrounded by the comfort of the people who know who I am. I dont ever want to hurt anyone, or offend them, or bore them, or make them feel badly ... but then who I can I be? Who can understand when I need them to most? I cant keep up right now. So I just want to go home.