Wednesday, January 5, 2011


I like the idea of being a vegan.

 I already have a rule that I dont eat anything that once had a brain. This is twofold:

1) I love baby whales: After seeing a baby whale with its momma whale that loved it very much and would potentially go killer-Sea-World cuhrazy if you came near the baby whale, I realized that most of the stuff on my plate was once a baby something. Its a lot harder to tear flesh off bone when you picture it once being a cuddly tiny version of said flesh.
2) I dont want anyone to eat me, and I have a brain. So Im doing unto others, which is what the Bible says. Now, if there is a zombie invasion, I am protected from carnivorous brain eaters by Jesus. Win.

Oh, and third is because I havent had any meat (hee hee) since May of 2010. If I were to so much as sample a chicken wing, my stomach would likely explode inside itself at trying to process this now foreign substance. And exploding stomach is something I generally strive to avoid.

Every time I tell a carnivore I dont eat meat (hee hee), they always want to tell me that cows dont feel it as they are thrown in the cow shredder and that I should just eat them with my bare hands because I am human and far superior to any other species (true story).

But, every time I tell a vegan that I dont eat meat (hee), they look at me like Im a lazy bitch. And you know what? They totally earn that right.

Do you have ANY idea how much work it takes to not only refrain from consuming animal flesh, but to also refrain from ANY animal byproducts? My fat ass may benefit from some vegan lifestyle changes but I am too damn lazy to even consider it.

I spent 12 hours with someone who was vegan and she did more work just eating then I ever have at a job I get PAID for. She had to read EVERY label, and not only look for the obvious animal products, but also be aware of products that are in products that CONTAIN animal products. And she couldnt have anything delicious, like a candy bar or a Red Bull. I was sad for her.

She basically had to carry hand picked berries and twigs everywhere we went.

Never mind the fact that she was super healthy, got 100% of the vitamins she needed naturally, will probably long outlive me, and likely has never woken up from a vodka fueled coma with her face in a cheeseburger (though I contend that is a right of passage ....). Never mind that if I actually put forth some effort in education, research and put some thought into what I shove down my throat (bahahaha) I could feel that way too.

So Ill just have to be fat and tired, because Veganisim is an institution I cant commit to.

(Mad Props to those of you that can)


  1. vegans smell. truth. i speak from real life knowledge and friendship with vegans.
    also vegan brownies will make you poop your pants. i dont know why. but they do.

  2. hahah Krista! Not all vegans smell, just the ones that literally live by the earth. I was vegan for 8 months, Did a hell of a job at it, but kept craving ranch. Guess who no longer eats that much ranch after they stoppe being vegan to be vegetarian. This girl.
    It's not that big of a change anymore with all of the specialty stores and it broadens your mind by knowing there are other vegetables out there that most people didnt know were vegetables haha. The hardest part of being vegan is not being able to go out to dinner with your friends. And honestly, I think eating like yout have celiac is 1000000% worse. Because gluten is in EVERYTHING!

  3. Yeah, the gluten free thing is pretty horrifying. Veganism isn't as bad as I thought it was, but I was pretty strict in my vegetarianism and went to school with like 100 other vegans. Seriously no one was ever impressed by vegetarianism because they were all on higher planes eating their sticks and berries. LOL. Just kidding. My excuse is cheese. I love it way too much. I'm always the first to admit it. It's too delicious.

  4. Anne,when I read the line about sticks and berries I nearly pee'd my pants! I am a vegetarian too (as you know :) ) and I could never be a vegan either,like Aimee,I can live on vegetables and fruit alone,no problem but I can't live without delicious melty cheese! :)

  5. Being a vegetarian and leaning into becoming a vegan is slowly happening for me. Although I must say the veganaisse and fake sour cream are nasty!!! Must find a way to make my own!