I should start calling this “diary of a birth center hopeful”.
Got what can only be described as a “fisting” yesterday. My first internal exam was pretty routine (in fact I think I even texted a friend saying “I must have a very strong vagina, I didnt feel a damn thing"). I cant say the same of exam number two.
We did the NST which was slightly boring and John hated it. Never measured above a 25 (because my uterus is a girly man). I wanted to kick Allens ass because he treated it EXACTLY how I knew he would and wanted to see everything, and spin the dials, and touch the monitors. I finally told him to sit the fuck down and he pouted. Thank God we both get over things quickly (but, can I put this under reasons why I DONT want to go to the hospital? Because he is like a toddler and cannot possibly go without touching things). Then we did the BPP - seems like there is a decent amount of fluid there right now, but she did say I have an “old placenta”. I guess this is what you get when you’re pregnant - lots of insults on things you never thought anyone could insult. Like placentas.
So she did the internal after I had basically been laying down for 2 hours and his head was further up then it had been last time (I guess, either that or she fucking sucks at this - it wasnt my normal MW because we were doing the special testing). She has me put both fists under my butt and she proceeds to shove her entire arm up the birth canal. Allen was standing by my head and the only thing that took away most of the pain was seeing the look of sheer horror on his face. It was probably like a porn gone totally wrong to him. Needless to say he was super gentle and loving all night last night. And Im still bleeding. I think refusing internals is the way to go - who cares that Im between a 2 and a 3? Doesnt mean shit because Im *still* not in labor. Internals are the path to hell and false hopes.
So we are at 7 days now. I wish there was some way to make this kid understand exactly what they do to him in the hospital - maybe hed like to vacate the premises immediately. If only he knew.
Also if Allen calls me one more time to say “so ... whatcha doin ....” Im going to skin him alive. Because he of all people is going to know when I give birth. Today he called me to “make sure you’re sitting up so his head is against your cervix”.
You know what I never want to talk about again? My cervix.