Things that dont work to expand your birth canal.

Pineapple - a myth started sometime in 1965 by the Dole corporation. I have learned how to cut an entire pineapple (after I learned how to tell that its ripe), Ive learned how pineapple must have a lot of natural fiber, Ive solely kept Dole and Del Monte in business. But I do not have a baby.

Sex - Some man thought that was a good idea. Dont listen to science - its wrong. Just refuse intercourse and say something about your mucus plug. That will send him back to the XBOX post haste.

Walking - You should probably walk anyways. God knows I need to, with my fat ass. But it will not convince the baby to come. It will make your feet swell. Especially if youre walking in the south where its still hot as satans asshole.

Basil and Oregano - We had spaghetti four nights in a row with so much of both spices that it made us both want to throw up. Not only did I not get any contractions but I about died from the heartburn caused by tomato sauce.

Begging - Babies are very unreasonable. They do not wish to negotiate.

Everyone asking you every three seconds if youve had that baby yet - No, but feel free to visit my website to keep you updated! Have I had that baby yet?

Im one month away from having to call Dr. Phil to come cut me out of the house because I cant make it through the door. I hope that John takes mercy on me and shows up before that happens.