In addition to the below story Ive also been calling myself “narcoleptic” all day when what I MEANT was NOCTURNAL. Allens silence makes way more sense now, as does his text back of “well, be careful when you’re cooking”.
Although turns out, this was a warning I SHOULD have heeded, since my brain refuses to fire on all four cylinders as of late.
1) Going to make mac and cheese for dinner. Allen is at CQ (rounding up barracks buffalo apparently, but thats another story) so what better time then to enjoy Kraft’s finest (which baby John LOVES. The kid has taste).
2) Pour noodles in water. Turn on burner. Stare for a moment at the burner diagram because for some reason it seems confusing. Am smarter than connect four-esque diagram, turn on high.
3) Go back to Facebook. IS MY JOB.
4) Smell something burning. Figure that the stove sucks and Im not getting up because the stove wants to smell funny. Not my problem.
5) Burning smell is worse.
6) Bit of smoke. Should probably investigate.
7) Bread crumb container left on stove from last nights delicious pork chop dinner smoking like a genie is about to come out of it. Mostly because, even after careful scrutiny, I still turned on the wrong fucking burner. The heat was on, literally.
8) Grab container to throw in sink. Dumb people grab hot smoking items with their bare hands. Smart people know that if it is smoking, it is likely hot, which is likely painful. Guess what category I fall into?
9) Open all the doors to let the smoke leave. Sit back down in the chair to Facebook.
10) Neighbors husband appears at the open door to make sure were okay (apparently when you have a 9 month pregnant neighbor who has smoke pouring out of her open doors and no husband at home a good person comes to ensure things are okay). I CERTAINLY cement his opinion of me as an asshole when I look up at him, smile like a total fucktard and say “hi! I almost burned the house down! No worries!”. Then I got up to find the dogs. His response was somewhere along the lines of “erm .... great ... just wanted to .... uh ... check ....”. And he left.
11) Also my boobs cannot be caged no matter what lately so they were probably waving at him VERY offensively. I dont really know how you go about apologizing for something like that (Dear neighbor, thanks for trying to save me from a fire, sorry my breasts were so obscene).
12) Text Allen “Almost burned house down. This is NOT A JOKE”.
13) He seems so NOT surprised that Im almost disappointed. He simply asked me to stick with the microwave from now on.
14) Well see how he feels about that tomorrow night when dinner is due.