Confession: I am in my LATE twenties, fatter than I've ever been, extremely tired, none of my pants fit, and I cant bring my ass to participate in any sort of exercise. I love good food, drink a lot of calories, and by a "giving" point of view could stand to lose about 20 pounds.
Fact: Despite all this, I feel more beautiful (inside and out) than ever before.
Those two statements seem contradictory to me. For most of my life I've honestly believed that she who is the thinnest, wins. Ive crashed dieted myself into a painful size 5, I've cried when the 7's wouldn't button, and about lost my mind when I grew ... a butt.
I honestly determined that my husband would no longer love me when he saw me with the lights on and realized that his cute little wifey had morphed into a .... well, a Mexican Woman.
We can feed a baby, hold a job, cook your dinner, and love you right, but one thing we aren't so good at is being a toned workout goddess. I know that its not all genetic, some of it comes right down to sheer laziness and an aversion to working out that is probably a sign of real psychological trouble. But (and maybe I only think this to feel better about myself ....) part of me is also DNA-inclined towards a "short and squat" definition.
I don't know when the tides shifted. Maybe it was that no matter how many times my ass expanded, my ...um ... extracurricular marital activies (I think that's a safe term in case my mom reads this) didn't wane one bit. In fact ... after four years, I can honestly say that we've never been so happy in that department.
When Allen's doctor asked how frequently we ... "activited", Allen gave an honest answer. Later that night, when recalling the story to me, Allen demonstrated the look on the doctor's face as he said "Really? You've been married HOW long again???".
(This was a proud moment for me).
Maybe my self confidence comes from knowing that, although I'll never win a beauty pageant, I have a well rounded (haha) package to offer to world.
Funny? Check. Love football, beer and (according to Netflix) raunchy stand up comedy? Check. Make my own money? For sure. Have interests outside of how I look, can cook up a big 'ole meal, and (if I do say so myself) a smart bitch? Check, check, check.
Now, don't get me wrong. I fully believe in being HEALTHY. And I will probably be on a perpetual diet all my life ... but thankfully now the diet is more about FEELING good than LOOKING good. And its nice to free myself from the chains of perfection, and think that if I gain a pound then I have somehow failed myself, my friends, my family and my future children.
And I'm not trying to say those that live a healthy lifestyle aren't to be admired. Hell, I wish I had whatever inner drive that motivates some of you to get up at the asscrack of dawn and run around in 20 degree weather. Because that's about being healthy, and that makes people happy. The ties I'm referring to are the ones that cause you to study the mirror for an hour a day taking inventory of every single part of you that doesn't live up to some sort of unrealistic expectation. That's unhealthy, even if its a motivator, because no matter how much you change yourself, it'll never be enough. That's a dark place to be, when you cant be at peace inside yourself, and love who you are.
I suppose the message I'm trying to send is that it took me damn near 27 years to decide that I? Am pretty effing fabulous ... even if "society" doesn't think so. Some people think that confidence equals "arrogance", and maybe they're right. But for me, its sort of unrealistic to ask anyone else to love you or believe in you if you cant place that kind of trust and stock into yourself.
I wish it hadn't taken me so long to decide that everything about me was to be celebrated ... flaws and all. Now, I spend less time worrying about every calorie I ingest, or every roll of fat that pops up, and more time making myself a better person to know. I laugh more, I love more, and I sure as hell enjoy more.
And yes, I still have those days where my pants don't fit, and my fat hangs out the BACK of my pants, and I think "Why didn't you work out yesterday FATTY??!". Thankfully those "Damn guuuuurl, yo is SO fine" moments are starting to win out over the others :)