I should footnote that title "Part One", because there will inevitably be parts 2-200 to come.
I've never really slept at night to begin with, so have a tiny break dancer taking up residence in my belly only exacerbates that condition. Its not uncommon for me to stay away until 1-2 am, doing nothing of use, for no good reason.
Lately, Ive started trolling eBay for good "deals" on things I need for myself / the baby. Generally speaking, eBay is a treasure trove of goodies. You can find actual retailers on there that sell "flawed" versions of their goods (literally, a mis-stitch or a small bleach stain) that go for a third of retail. If I were rich I would buy only perfect items. But Im not, so at any given moment youll find me in a slightly flawed ensemble. I find it just a representation of my life - generally pretty, but slightly flawed.
Last night I stumbled upon something that baffled me.
I was searching for an alternate delivery gown. Have you heard of these? They are prettier versions of a hospital gown, that you purchase to wear during your stay there. The colors look good in pictures, and they arent covered in other peoples bodily fluids, which is well worth 30$ in my eyes. Because - ew. Anyhow, heres an example of one:
Anyways, I dig these gowns. You can get them NIP (new in package - you need to get up on the eBay lingo) for a little cheaper from smaller sellers. Sounds great, Im in.
BUT, they apparently also sell "sexy maternity hospital gowns". They look like this:
I know some people will argue that this style is so much more freeing and comfortable. Im going to call shenanigans right now. First, halter tops are as comfortable as stilettos - and if you think stilettos are comfortable, you are a freak and you do not count in this survey. Second of all, naked is freeing and comfortable, and get used to it because by the time you crown (look that up if you dont know what it means), believe me, you will be throwing sexy outside the first window in favor of "get it out and I dont care how you have to do it".
Third, not one person is going to be focused on your top half. If youd like to be sexy and fun this might be a good time to try vajazzling. Your doctors will surely find you unforgettable then.
Stay tuned for the next chapter, which will include the appropriate response when your husband asks you why you cant just go to bed already. Hint, it includes the words "you lay down and Ill punch you repeatedly in the bladder, and you tell me how much you can sleep".