Monday, November 17, 2014

Bitter or Better

This idea has been hanging heavy on my mind for awhile now. But, before I get into that, I will say that we saw the MFM doctor again today. Although the reason for it is shit, it is nice for someone who is high strung under normal circumstances to be able to check in on the little babes so much.

And they are just fine, though the picture doesn't really do them justice since they move so much and its hard to zero in on them. They both measure the same and they look like actual little babies now. They were kicking their spider legs at each other. The good news is that we were able to rule out conjoined twins today, since they have finally separated a bit. The bad news is that time number three searching for a membrane was still not successful.

I know there is still hope that we might find this paper thin membrane everyone talks about, but the hope isn't great. The babies were touching on yet another plane today and that means that's 3 different places the babies can touch. The odds aren't good that they can somehow do that through a membrane that is meant to separate them.

Still, today we have healthy little beans, and that's what matters most. The doctor on duty didn't mince any words when it came to our chances, but he did tell me something that was (oddly) reassuring. He said "I wont tell you not to worry, but I will tell you this. There is NOTHING you can do. Nothing that you can do or will do is going to make a difference (obviously notwithstanding the normal things like smoking, drinking, ect)". He said that hes seen the highest risk pregnancies go off without a hitch, and normal run of the mill pregnancies go to emergency in one minute. And that the technology and practices get better every day. But in the end ... the chips will fall where they lie, and there isn't much anyone can do.

For a self proclaimed control freak, it isn't always easy to just let fate do its thing. Still, in a weird way, its nice to know that I can let it go a little because the worrying isn't going to keep my babies safe.

And that leads me to what Ive been grappling with, truthfully since we found out we were expecting. You see, after just one miscarriage and a lot of heartache in the past, I find it hard to be excited about pregnancy. Instead I throw the stick down and say "okay, now lets see whats going to go wrong".

At first I worried about chemical pregnancies and I was jealous of those who got to announce.

Then I was worried about miscarriage, and was jealous of those who were in their second trimester.

Then I worried about missed miscarriage and I was jealous of women who didn't have to go through that.

Then came the twins ... and the type of twins ... and I was jealous of anyone who got to have a "regular" pregnancy.

You see the theme here? While jealousy is a very normal part of being human, the problem with too much of it is that it can sour you pretty quickly. It can poison your mind and your heart, and suddenly it can have you believe that not only is EVERYONE else getting what they want, but they are doing it in a direct attack on you.

Its hard not to compare. Its hard to wonder why crackheads and pedophiles get healthy babies, and you fight for every one you have (or every one you want). Its hard to see people breeze through life and never seem to struggle.

But I suppose, if I was thinking about it, that we all have something that could be coveted. Some of us have babies, some have husbands ... some have jobs, or homes, or families that love us. Some of us have mothers, some have fathers. Some of us have beauty or brains. If you start playing that game, suddenly everyone is an asshole who is taking what is "yours".

But it hit me, not long ago, that I can control this. I can let this experience make me bitter, or I can let it make me better. I need to look inside myself and deal with it in there. Deal with the haves, and the have nots.

Deal with the fact that this is scary.

Deal with the fact that Im scared.

Deal with the fact that we might lose our babies.

Deal with the fact that life isn't "fair".

Deal with the fact that there isn't one pool of happiness and everyone only gets to take from some finite share. That no ones uterus, or babies, or experiences have anything to do with my own. They don't take away from whats happening and they don't contribute to it.

I think its normal to feel pangs of jealousy, or even hurt. If we lose these babies I will never look at twins the same. I think I will always be envious of anyone who has twins. But there is a difference between being envious and deciding that your situation is the only one that matters.

So Ive decided to make a choice. A conscious choice to not let myself go down that road. I have to deal with this head on. Not deflect it. Not minimize it. I need to hurt when I need to, and I need to feel joy when I do. Nothing is going to "jinx" me and nothing is going to "give me luck". I have faith in God and I have a lot of support. Whatever happens to these sweet babies from here, at least we know we had them.

On that note, we went public, a week earlier than I was expecting. I was hesitant, but so glad we did. I forget that everything gets easier when you have a huge support system, and I have one of the best. Just seeing all the thoughts, prayers, and positive thoughts was enough to really make me feel positive. And we lived to see another day.

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