Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I finally realized ...

That the only thing left to do was to blog.

Starting on Day 1 I swore that I would chronicle this journey, in massive detail, so that one day I would look back and understand how I got from Day 1 to Day 365.

I suppose its a decent sign that time is passing quickly being that its Day 147 and Im just now getting around to it.

I wish I would have started this before. There are so many things that Im going to be leaving out. Like how it feels to be the only one to have seen the "baby junk" of a close friend (yes, a story for another day). Or what it means to be LT drunk. Or ... what happens in Portland.

Come to think of it, scratch that. What happens in Portland really ought to stay in Portland.

It seems that I just tend to have a lot of thoughts. This may or may not be nice -speak for "I have a fuck load of opinions and I think that Im always right". Whatever the case, I figure there are a million d-bags out there that write in blogs every single day. If they can do it, then hell, so can I.

Id like to start by saying that deployments are a lot funnier than I ever realized. Not the deployment itself. But imagine my suprise when I realized that you can still have a good, deep in your soul laugh even when the world ought to be falling all around you. Maybe its just me ... maybe I dont take anything as seriously as I should. But then again, I figure the worlds got to keep on spinning, husband or no husband. And my world is funny. Thats just the way it is, and thats the way its going to be.

Take this 2012 thing, for example. Let me backstory this by explaining to you that in my top ten fears (yes there are more than ten, which allows for a TOP list), is the "end of the world" senario. I dont know what about it, exactly, pisses me off. Probably that everyone around me is going to take off to kick back on some beach in heaven and Im going to be stuck here having to learn how to shoot a gun and fend off zombies, or possibly tsunamis, I havent figured out which yet.

Keeping this fear in mind, many many months ago I woke up early to get ready for class. On my way out the door, I pause to check my myspace (this was in a time before everyone apparently got the memo that Facebook is way better than Myspace. I assume that somewhere the infamous Tom is crying into his keyboard ... and why doesnt Facebook have a "representative" .....???). On the top of my 'space is one of those goofy advertisments. Usually I pay no attention to such things, but this one caught my eye.

Its a big flash player that in big bold letters says "What will the United States government do to save 6.1 billion people?" .

.... now theyve got me. I asked myself ... "I dont know Myspace ... what WILL they do?"

It flashes to "the answer is ..."

... okay my eyes are really big now. I NEED to know this answer ...


Holy shit. Thats just what I THOUGHT they would do. How do I find out more?

"Click here to find out what you can do to save yourself"

Well you're fucking right Im going to click. If by some chance Tom and the Myspace gang have tapped into some top secret files and they are exposing them via the 'space, Im damn sure going to see what they have to say.

I always knew my myspace addiction was going to pay off some day. In YOUR face, all you people who said I should seek help.

So I am directed to this website for the Institute of Human Continuity. And IN this site are about 4 different senarios in which the world is going to end in 2012, detailed by what is hands down the creepiest narrator Ive ever heard. I mean, someone spent some TIME on this shit. There are several "disaster senarios" that you can play out, including how solar flares are going to burn us all alive, how "planet X" will crash into our asses, and how earthquakes are going to start a shitstorm of crazy crap thats going to make us all wish wed gone to church a lot more.

You guys seriously. As I write this in the here and now I feel like I should google this site for a refresher, but I cant. Im too scared. If you want to google it, go ahead. But I dont ever want to see it again.

So going back to this day, my jaw is on the desk and I honest to God missed class that morning. NO WHERE on this site does it give ANY indication that it may be some sort of hoax ...

OR ... a teaser site for a new movie that is coming out called 2012.

Sure, you can laugh it up now. But honest to God, for about an hour until I googled 2012 and realized that it was indeed part of the studios ploy to generate interest in their film, I thought that I had woken up to hear that the world as we know it was kaput, and the only way to save yourself was to enter the "lottery" to get selected for some sort of spaceship and / or submarine that the government was building (turns out when you entered the lottery you didnt get a ticket to save yourself, you got email updates on the film instead .... THAT would have been good to know beforehand).

So okay, we can fast forward about 8 months to the film premiere. I drag Krista with me because I am convinced that Im going to walk out of the theater KNOWING how to prepare for the inevitable end of the world.

WHen I told Allen where I was going, his only response was: "This is going to put you in therapy, isnt it?". What can I say ... he knows me ....

Id like to say here that yes, I DID believe that the world would end on Y2K. And I thought I had SARS.

And the swine flu. But thats not the point.

I wont spoil the movie for those of you who havent seen it yet. But suffice to say, I was right. I DID walk out of the theater knowing how to face the end of mankind.

The answer is ....


Listen, its a LOT of work to keep running from this stuff. As the movie wore on, I got really tired just thinking about it. And youd have to be REALLY fit to pull some of that shit off. And I hate the gym. So instead of arming myself with guns and a wetsuit, Ive moved onto plan B which entails getting the best seat in the house as this stuff goes down, and praying that Jesus really will forgive a multitude of sins and a terrible Rock of Love addiction.

Do I really think the world is going to end in 2012? I dont know one way or the other. Probably not. But come about December 1st 2012, I reserve the right to start stockpiling things and to make some sort of fort out of pillows and to put a rubber boat on top of the Mercedes.

But seriously ... if the worst DOES happen .... all you people who are breaking my balls CANT get on the boat.

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