My Biggest Fear

 .... is losing myself.

It's hard enough in this military life to carve out your own identity from your husband.

I dont want to be Sgt. Cone's wife. I want to be Anne ... wife of Allen, mother of Devon and Pinecone, graduate, epic joke teller, bad ass blogger, loud mouth realist, ect......

I've never been content to follow in the shadows. That has contributed to the demise of enough relationships to know that it is sometimes "a problem" ... but its my problem and I stand by it.

My biggest challenge over the next 9 months will be staying "me" when I am portioning out more of myself than ever before ... while losing some of the things that I've long held onto to anchor my own identity (namely my career, which I have taken from 0 to 60 in the last year, and now will have to put the pause button on).

Im not saying its not worth it. I think there is something rewarding about knowing youve given your all to raise an amazing family. I dont think Ill regret one minute of it. BUT, in the tradition of honesty, Id be lying if I said there wasnt legitimate worry about who "I" will become after its all said and done.

“A Woman Should Have” – by Maya Angelou


A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...


..one old love she can imagine going back to...and one who reminds her of how far she has come...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..

enough money within her control to move out

and rent a place of her own,

even if she never wants to or needs to…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..

something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..

a youth she’s content to leave behind….

a past juicy enough that she’s looking forward to

retelling it in her old age….

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …..

a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .

one friend who always makes her laugh… and one who lets her cry…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ….

a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …

eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests feel honored…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …

a feeling of control over her destiny.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

how to fall in love without losing herself.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

when to try harder… and WHEN TO WALK AWAY…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

that she can’t change the length of her calves,

the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

that her childhood may not have been perfect…but its over…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

what she would and wouldn’t do for love or more…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

how to live alone… even if she doesn’t like it…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..

whom she can trust,

whom she can’t,

and why she shouldn’t take it personally…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

where to go…

be it to her best friend’s kitchen table…

or a charming inn in the woods…

when her soul needs soothing…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

what she can and can’t accomplish in a day…

a month…and a year…

Why I hate XBOX

My husband was never a "gamer", so I felt justified as I smugly stated to anyone that would listen "MY husband doesnt play video games" (although I failed to mention that he would stare at the TV with a glazed over look for hours at a time. Im not sure if that was his "nothing box" or his shell shock at being married to me ....).

That all changed when I INSISTED we needed an XBOX. So we could get a Kinect. Which I then found out I was pregnant about THREE minutes after we spent the 400 bucks on, so it just sat there like a living room ornament. Until ...

Allen says one day ... "Oh, they have Call of Duty: Black Ops. I hear that its fun. I should get it. Then I play with XBOX".

And I think "Thats a CAPITAL idea. Then I can read/facebook/generally be in peace while you amuse yourself. Im on board!".

Fast forward to my home today, which has  constant stream of the SAME MUSIC THREAD every 15 seconds (I dream about this music). It also has my husband negotiating with terrorists (AKA 7 year olds hopped up on Mountain Dew and Wifi Connection) about the best battle strategies. Also, every once in awhile hell tell some kid to "turn his mic off because hes going to tell the people where they are doing stuff" (something like that). And I look at my once level headed husband and think ... what the fuck?

COD has 2 settings. One is a Russian dude who always says "We lost the lead" and "Spyplane incoming". These seem to be the only English phrases he knows ... oh, and "Care package inbound" (which ... what kind of care package? The ones I used to send with milk duds and dirty mags? Because that would be cool ....).  The other setting is Ice Cube. I dont know what he says because every time he comes on all I can think is "Hey, thats Ice Cube ....".

Of course, Allen is completely incommunicado while saving the world playing the game.  And if I DARE to have to do anything that crosses the living room (aka his line of sight) I get a BIG sigh followed by the head jerking the other way. Excuse me for existing during game play.

But never to fear. Eventually he loses and throws an Oscar worthy line of curses out while smashing his headset to the ground. It would be cute if he didnt also get so stomp-ey when he does it. More than once Ive had to threaten him with an XBOX time out, just like I do Devon when he gets too frustrated.


Little boys with no patience or attention span grow up to be big boys who never change :)

(Good thing despite all of this hes still a good man)

WLC Limbo

Im bored with the photo of the day thing. Its like ... heres another picture! Bet you didnt see that coming!

Im up at this unGodly hour for two reasons:

1) Its WLC time in my house. Everyone is all "thank God he comes home at night!", but I honestly dont feel that way. I suppose as a military spouse I should be grateful for every time we sleep next to one another ...  but shit, Ill say it, this is hard.

No matter how long you are apart, someone will always say "When *WE* did WLC we had to be apart for 45 days, no phone (uphill .... in the snow ..... forEVER .... yes. I get it. You are tough.). And I'm not trying to say "We have it worst". Im just saying, this is hard. He comes home at night, exhausted after 14 hours, eats his food like a zombie, and heads to bed. Its just enough time for me to plan my entire day around it, but not enough time to feel like we are getting ANY sort of married communication whatsoever.

And, I know separation. Weve done 13 months of deployment, endless month long trainings, and plenty of Army emergency long hours. But when I know hes not coming home it seems to be easier. I miss him, and I want him here, but I go about my day. I work, I hit the gym, I grab a frozen dinner and crappy TV. I hope for a phone call. I make plans with my girlfriends, get a new book, whatever the mood may call for. Im absolutely cut out for this life in the fact that I am strong, independent, and I dont have to have him around. The separations arent what bother me - I knew what I signed up for when I married him, and (although sometimes I reserve the right to want to punch the army in the face) its always worth it in the end.

When he started this course I laughed. I was like "Whatever. He comes home every day. Thats not hard, We did deployment. AT LEAST HE COMES HOME AT NIGHT". Now Im kicking myself for saying that because I really had no idea how difficult it becomes to co-exist in a house while getting no form or fashion of quality time whatsoever. Heck, I dont even know what quality time means ... but I assume its not sitting in silence because hes too tired to talk, or watching TV in bed (which we NEVER do. We dont even have cable in the bedroom because thats our place to be with each other) while your husband sleeps. I cant even pinpoint what about this makes it so hard on your marriage - I just know its strained. It feels a little like all the classic signs of cheating ... even though you know who the mistress is (the Army ... and that bitch gets her way every single time).

Dont get me wrong - my husband is pretty fly. He spoils me rotten and is genuinely my best friend. We dont have a child here, so when hes home its just me, him, and two dumb dogs. Im used to 100% of his attention, affection and love (sometimes to the point of telling him to sit down and stop bugging me).

All complaints aside, at least this is over in a few days. My heart honestly goes out to my friends in the civilian world, who have to work two jobs or overlapping schedules. This is difficult - sometimes so much is focused on our sacrifice during deployments that you can forget that struggle comes in all shapes and sizes.

And (bonus) we vacation soon .... that will be the perfect reward for wanting to kick each others asses for a month straight :)

2) I forgot what two is now. But I had one.

Day #8: A picture of you in one of your favorite outfits

Ah yes. Every girl's wedding dress should be her favorite outfit. Mine was no exception.

Allen and I were broke ... and not broke in a funny, "Oh, we only have a few hundred in savings" broke. We were BROKE, and we didnt have shit. Thats why we decided to just get married already .... I had just drove a million hours from GA to Arizona, and I figured once I had put in that sort of legwork I deserved a little BAH.

So, with my roommates by our side (oh - Mr. Atlanta Recruiter that told us we could 'totally live off base together in AIT once we were married'? You are on my eat shit and die list), we set off to the Sierra Vista, AZ courthouse for a little quick hitchin'. 

 We showed up at the courthouse, they didnt even ask for ID, and gave us our license (apparently we looked trustworthy?).  The judge told us that the "people before didn't show up" (I told Allen that on the way the guy must have told the girl that his life insurance wouldn't be going in her name .... so she called it off ....) and we proceeded to get married in the quickest ceremony EVER. And then I took my new husband back to the barracks. We, in fact, did not spend the night together until the next Saturday.

I know so many people shake their heads at this story. With the way weddings are today, there are plenty of folks who cant fathom a union that begins with no family, people you've only known for a few days, no cake, no DJ, and no family tiffs over place card settings.

There are times when I wish we would have done the whole shebang, and had the big dress, the first dance, the grand honeymoon. But more over I see how fitting our ceremony really was. It was the two of us, scared to death, in a new place, vowing to lean on only each other. And through the years thats exactly what we've had to do, over and over and over again. 

Some marriages fall apart when the bottom falls out and there's nothing left. As for us .... we started with nothing, so there's no real precedence set for anything else. I loved my husband when it was him and I in a rented room with a borrowed bed. And I love him now, when weve gained a whole lot of shit. I see how far weve come in four years, how hard weve worked, and what the payoff from that has been. 

To get back to the dress, it was found on sale .... I couldnt afford much, but I was all alone in a new place, and didnt have shit to do anyways. I wandered into the little hallway of a mall, and wished my mom or my best friend was with me to find something suitable to commit my life in that was under $30. I found this dress, on a serious clearance for $18. It was the only one left, fit perfectly (oh .... those were the days. Look how young and thin ....), and was everything I wanted. Although white was a bit of a stretch ....(clearly) it was perfect. I would have chosen the exact same thing, even if I had a budget of a million dollars.

Day #6: A picture of you on your birthday.

Birthday 2009 - 26 years old  (but actually feel 21).

Spent the day with some of my favorite people in the great state of Michigan. I always miss MI this time of year. 

Also, this was my favorite birthday present of all time. It came in an email, and was the only way I saw my husband on my birthday. Sure puts this birthday in perspective. 

Im not supposed to be posting if Im not "photo challenging" right?

Well, whatever. I've grown endlessly restless since this is day one (solid) that Ive been out of work.

To recap: Friday - full day. Saturday - off. Sunday - Off. Monday - Left office at noon. Tuesday - Closed Court, no work.


That brings us to almost Wednesday, in which I may have to take a fucking sled and a roller skate and take my ass to work.


 Its not that I mind VACATION, but I do mind watching my hourly rate extract itself from my checking account every single  hour I'm not working. The point of going in for the ONE day in between the "Arctic Freeze" and the Thanksgiving Holiday is pretty much none ... but I keep thinking of the hundreds of lost dollars that Ill be facing on my December check.

This is the sort of shit we never worried about during school snow days.

We're a little bored in here (but not bored enough to clean, I must add), so we put up the Christmas tree. We watched some Dr. Phil (on bullying. Allen keeps saying things that end with "and then Id reach over there and beat her ass"). One of us has used socks for a purpose they werent made for (dont ask. Ever.).


Clearly Allen also had the day off. And I think hes going nuttier than I am. Maybe because I have an office that is empty most of the day, besides Meg. And I talk to clients, on my own time. But Allen has to be up people's butts all day long as part of the Army gig (not in a Dont Ask, Dont Tell way), so I think this staying home thing is harder on him than on me. Actually, its harder on me because I have to answer the 650 million questions, comments, ect that have come from him today.

All you stay at home moms who have kiddos that are in the question asking phase? Major, major props.

At this point, Im hoping for some sort of solar flare that will bring just enough heat to melt my path to the office in the morning (isnt the solar activity supposed to be out of control right now? Hey yo' .... lets make this happen Mr. Sun! I-5 to HWY 16, thatll do just fine). In related news, Ive decided to quit bitching about being tired, working, ect. Because the alternative (Watching ANOTHER episode of Oprah, Dr. Phil, Divorce Court, ect) is something I cannot bear.