Monday, August 22, 2011

Pregnancy things your momma isnt telling you: Part 3

Im here to be your safe alternative to those people (and we all know one) who have pregnancies that are totally amazing, and they love it, and they dance through fields in white dresses while shitting unicorns and glitter.

That gig is awesome if you can get it, but the truth is most of us are fat, tired and miserable for about 9 months (longer if your kid is destined to be one of those that lives in the basement until hes 40, therefore surely not coming out of the womb in a timely fashion).

So I have it on good source (aka my birth month board - but, also from my midwife) that Evening Primrose Oil is a good way to thin your cervix as you approach that time. It doesnt induce labor, but taken in the weeks prior its said to be very helpful in an easier thinning/effacement process.

My MW said to take it orally, but lots of the girls take it vaginally (Im just going to go ahead and use medical terminology here, instead of hoo-hoo or whatever).

I bought the bottle of pills, and of course proceed to take a sniff (listen, if its going up in there Id like to know what I can expect). It turns out that the capsules actually smell like hot funky death, so I determined that was a no go for launch. Im already fat, I havent seen my feet in forever, and its a bazillion degrees so I sweat a lot. Throwing a stink bomb up my birth canal isnt exactly going to increase my stock (and, Im going to need to have sex for the next step in desperate labor induction ....).

But tonight I figured, what the hell? Other people are doing it (see Board, Birth Month), it cant hurt anything, and Id REALLY like to see my cervix get on its shit so I can have a beer. I put two capsules “up in there” before I went to bed. I had my doubts about their staying power, but apparently my vag is like a venus fly trap for cervical thinning oils.

I am now up at 3 am, thanks to the cricket of death (which is a whole other post, thank you), but I can tell you this - should you decide to put EPO up your hallway, realize this: you ARE going to wake up thinking your water has broken.

Apparently its a law of gravity that what goes UP must come DOWN and oil up your vagina is no different. Im just glad I thought that through before I woke Allen up shrieking again (as previously seen during my first midnight calf cramp, and when I pulled a neck muscle in my sleep). I think hes been through enough.

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