Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Speaking of assholes.

During a phone conversation this last weekend, I explained something to Yeci I doubt shell ever forget ... and its more of the shit that no one tells you about pregnancy.

Me: So I get these weekly updates for my pregnancy in email. And the last one said I might consider perineal stretching.

Yeci: Oh Lord ... what is that?

Me: So, its apparently to prevent tearing during delivery. Your parter is supposed to go down there, put his index fingers in your vag hole, and slowly stretch it apart. Ten reps a night.

Yeci: Have you spoken with Allen about his new responsibility?

Me: Not yet. You know Allen. Hell come in with a flashlight duct taped to his head, a tire jack and WD-40.

So there you go. You know youre ready to have a baby with someone when you’re comfortable having them stretch your hoo-hoo.

For the record, I did address this with Allen (on the way home from church no less), and he made the noise that you hear when the mechanics take your tires off with that special drill thingy. So A) I was right and B) Im not doing it.


  1. I'll tell you what my midwives told me to do....sit indian style several times a day as well as doing some squats and pelvic tilts every night! All I had was a little bit of first degree tearing internally on one side and I know it was because my labor was so fast and I couldn't stop the pushing once it started (it is a reflex). I never had any vag stretching as I had no one to do it for me in the first place and I certainly couldn't see down there. That is pretty hilarious though about the wd-40!

  2. I agree with the above. doing those few stretches helped a TON. the only tearing i had was bc of austin's hand being attached to his forehead and how fast bella came out lol. and the second one was so minor i didn't even feel it. no one stretched my vag and i know charlie would've LOVED that...lol

  3. I thought this was going to be poop stories.

    Also, you should do this, I know so many couples who have and said they thought it helped A LOT, and plus, what man doesn't want to stick his fingers into his wife's vag?; )