Things I dont ever want to hear again

1) “Have you had that baby yet?” (in person): This has to be the stupidest comment Ive ever heard. Because you are looking RIGHT AT ME. With a big belly. So the answer is no I havent ...  although I would think that would be implied. Because if I HAD the baby I probably would not be this pregnant again right now. Thats just what I know from my limited schooling on the matter.

2) Following that up with “Because you are so big! You cant possibly carry anymore! ZMOG!” makes you not only an idiot but an asshole.

3) “Are you dilated”?: This is only acceptable from 3 people - my mother, my best friend and my husband. If you are, say, the cashier at my local Food Lion (TRUE STORY) then please refrain from asking how wide my birth canal is at the present time. Not okay.

4) “Rest while you can!”: This is the least annoying, because even I say it to myself. In theory it sounds perfect ... rest now before there is a screaming piglet who demands all of your time, energy and sanity. But in reality between the raging heartburn, the fake contractions (that hurt but dont do anything), and other assorted ailments, the last thing Im actually able to do is sleep. Mostly I just pace through the house with a mean look on my face. If my house were a dark alley I would be a “suspicious person”.

5) “He’ll come when hes ready!”: Thats also great if you arent a selfish bitch like I am. I dont want to wait until he’s ready. I’m telling him that IM ready. Arent I the mom? Dont I get to make the rules? This isnt how I saw this panning out.

6) “You should just be grateful”: Yes. I am grateful. Thats why I have changed my entire life to better cater to my new child and my family. But when I stub my toe, and I say that it hurts, that doesnt mean that Im not grateful to be alive. When youre being waterboarded its okay to look forward to the day when you can NOT be anymore.

7) Any variation of “youre so big”, “are you having twins”, “you have to set the record for being the most pregnant that anyone has ever been ever”: Any and all of these comments will guarantee you a side eye and poor Allen having to listen to another diatribe from his wife about how people suck. Dont let this be you - educate.