Saturday, December 4, 2010
Day #13: A picture of you and your best friend.
Since I couldn't pick just one, I had to put a "best of" collection.
I recently had someone bring up "Drama Free" friendship to me, and it got me thinking - is a friendship less of a friendship if it encounters "drama"?
(Lets add another note about how I fucking hate that word. Not the word itself, but how everyone uses it to mean "someone has expressed an opinion other than the one I currently hold true, therefore he/she will henceforth be known as causing 'drama'")
So, by that definition, well say that your friendship encounters a bump in the road. For some, it might be a disagreement over someone saying something off hand, or someone talking in an inappropriate way. It might be a cumulation of several small disagreements that add up.
And for some people, they may solve it by "taking time away to cool down". They might not talk as much during that week, or they may choose to simply go their separate ways without discussing the issue.
Or, if you are Dana and I, you will hurl insults across an entire restaurant (a closed one, thankfully), and then one of you will throw a roll of paper towels at the other. And then you will cheers over a drink and laugh about it later.
After a lot of thought, I suppose where I stand on the issue is that
A) I must be really different from other women (hello ....)
B) Thank God I found someone like me
A - I take full responsibility for being in what must be a small part of the population who is overly outspoken and has far too many feelings. I live my life "out loud", and this causes no shortage of disagreements with others. I dont ever set out to hurt or offend anyone (although that might not seem true), but of course if you say how you feel, youre going to offend some people. I have to learn to take responsibility for my actions, and I am slowly learning to have more tact, and choose my words more carefully.
Although its not an excuse, I can honestly say that I came from a place (both growing up and before the army) where people were very expressive. Passive Aggressive, or "keeping everything inside" doesnt work when those that surround you are loud, bold, outspoken and honest. The women around me taught me to "say what I mean, and mean what I say". This sounds like I was brought up to just "steamroll" my way through life, but thats not entirely true. I learned early to stand up for myself, to believe in myself, and to not let people push me around. In return, I was surrounded by strong women who loved me even when I was upset with them - and it was okay to say "I love you, but I dont love the way youre acting right now".
I think I made the mistake of assuming everyone was at that level of friendship with me, no matter what the circumstance. Im learning (slowly) that these things take time ... and that not everyone cares what I think right out of the gate (but believe me when I say THATS a hard pill to swallow). Im working on being a little more methodical with my thoughts, even slower with my actions, and trying to understand that not everyone wants to be my BFF.
Even if I totally think they should.
B) And so thank God I found my Dana. Because not only does she understand the above about me, and not only is she like this, but she also loves me despite being the only one in the world that knows exactly what I think about everything .... including all that stuff that is so private you might not even write it in your journal. But I dont need a real journal. Ive got a best friend ... if I forget anything, Ill just ask her. She was there for all of it anyway.
I dont believe in a "drama free" friendship any more than I believe in a "disagreement free" marriage. And maybe there are millions of women who will absolutely disagree. For my part, I believe that if Im sharing all of me with someone - Im laying it all out on the table, with no censors .... there will come a time that we may fight. But the best part about it is, once you fight and you overcome it, you grow even stronger in your bond. You know that there is a person who loves you for who you are - who you REALLY are. Its not about "coffee and chitchat". Its about "Bitch pick up your phone because I just screwed up something so hard core even you arent going to believe it". Its not a "lets catch up once a week" its "I havent heard from you in two days so you better be dead or have a damn good excuse".
Im not saying that you dont have to have all kinds of friendships ... and I am OBVIOUSLY not an expert on all kinds of friendships (clearly). But I do know that everyone should have that person who they can "word vomit" to ... and tell them all the things taking up the space in your head, without worry that they will assume that is the absolute or only thing that makes you who you are.
Its better than therapy. My best friend is family, and thats all there is to it.