It makes me sad because I miss it so very much.
People assume that because Im so loud and obnoxious about everything else that my silence is indicative of a lack of caring. But if you know me, you know that Im most quiet about the things that hurt down to my heart and soul. One of those things being decisions that I made when I was young and thought I had no choice leading to a big huge massive hole today.
Sometimes they call me a bad mother. Sometimes they say I have no heart. Sometimes they tell me that Ive screwed it all up. I dont know if they're right ... maybe they are.
But I know that no one could ever punish me as much as I've punished me, day in and day out. I try not to live with regrets .... but I know I live with a huge hole in my soul. This isnt easy to talk about, and this is about as much as Ill get out in public. But I just wanted the people in my life to know that this, right here, is the Achilles heel. I might be loud, smartassed, I might act like I dont have a care in the world ... just know whats underneath. And try to be gentle about it. We all do what we have to do to survive, and sometimes when you are 18 or 21 or what have you, you dont realize that the choices you make will surely bite you in the ass when youre older, or at least leave you "doing the right thing" for someone you love more than life itself, even if it breaks your heart in the process.