We finally saw the baby/heard the heartbeat. And although I have no desire to be one of those moms who waxes poetic about the circle of life and how the sun shines out my pregnant ass, it was still one of the coolest moments of my life.
We were both nervous leading up to the day. I blame the internet for my complete inability to believe that this pregnancy is viable or wont eventually meet a worst case scenario horror story .... because everyone seems to have a horror story. Its to the point that you start to wonder how anyone has ever carried a viable pregnancy without playing "ninja warrior" to save their unborn child from the world (and that is not a joke, because being in a position to have this pregnancy pulled out from under me, I cannot imagine the complete devastation that comes with a loss. My heart goes out to anyone that has).
So the advice comes in droves "Don't get attached until the 3rd (or 5th or 9th ...) month, don't tell anyone until you have the baby, don't say anything until the kid is 5 and you know nothing bad is going to happen, or until he hits 21 and hasn't met some sort of accident and/or not been a disappointment to you".
I understand why people say what they do. For most people, they dont share their private lives with no real filter or ability to keep things "to themselves". So it reasons that they wouldnt want to tell everyone something so amazing, only to have to take it back with horrible news.
I, of course, have a huge mouth, and can only mostly keep secrets if they arent my own. So we told everyone that would listen within 24 hours of our positive test .... and then I was afraid that I had somehow jinxed the entire thing. I didnt follow the "secret code" of waiting until the end of the first trimester .... and I wasnt sure if that meant that I had somehow brought a certain future of bad news upon us.
So, as I was saying, heading into the doctor was part exciting, part sheer terror. I had no idea what wed see on that picture, but I was praying for the best.
I love my doctors office because it has two displays on the sonogram - One for the doctor, and one by mom's head. So dad puts his head next to moms, and they can see the baby together. I assume its always amazing, and this time wasnt any different.
Seeing that little lima bean on screen was quite a relief. I was assured that everything looked normal, and the baby was the correct size and in the right place (have I mentioned how the doctors/nurses seem confused as to why I question this pregnancy so much?). And then they turned on the heartbeat machine ....
I looked at Allen as his eyes got THIS BIG. He asked "is that the .... heart?". The doctor pointed to the screen where you could see a pulsing image right in the middle of the lima bean ..... it was, indeed, the heart, beating at a steady 152 bpm. I am also assured that this is normal and healthy for this far along.
So with tears in our eyes, we crossed over into a cheesy movie scene as we marveled at this heart that we (and God) created. I know we arent the first people on earth ever to make one of these, and God knows that it was a surprise - but we are navigating these waters together for the first time ... so it I guess were taking every part of the amazing feeling as it comes.
Because, dont get it twisted, eventually its going to be a lot of poop, a lot of screaming, and a lot of sleepless nights. And then theres what the baby will be doing ......
As we walked out of the room, Allen says to the doctor: " You know, Ive seen a lot of cool things in my life. But that, by far, blows them all away".
So this little pinecone is the reason for all the tired days, the headaches, the backaches, the immense boob growth, and the inability to eat anything but crackers, orange soda, milk and spaghetti (strange combo ....). Whats funny is that, even with all the bad, Ill take it times a million if this little thing just grows the way it should.