The past few weeks have found me in a semi-depression.
I cant put my finger on exactly what it is. Im terribly bored, so that probably has a ton to do with it. It doesnt help that I have my replacement at my job on my Facebook (she was in school with me) and I see how life has gone on without me. Not that I anticipated any different - my job wasnt something so difficult that it would take much to replace me. But there was that hope that maybe there would at least be some sort of .... missing me? Maybe?
I guess thats the hard time of the PCS. At first it was all excitement about the new adventure. I was so happy to be coming here - now I feel like I shit if I complain. This was 100% our doing, and although I knew there was a chance that it could go badly, I really didn’t expect to feel this .... unsettled.
I think thats the best word to describe how Im feeling lately. Its not so much unhappy, because I have a million things to be thankful for. We have a great family, and a beautiful home. Allen is happy here, and doing amazing things. His unit really is great, and Im excited to help the CPT’s wife do some things with the FRG. And, there have been a few great girls Ive met so far, and Im so very grateful for them.
I think it’s just the total life shift. I went from a good paying job, the freedom to do what I wanted when I wanted, friends that we loved, ect. Now, I feel like Im home bound far too much. I know for some people thats a good thing - they like being at home. But for me, being trapped in the house has always been the cause of anxiety.
I miss working. I miss taking on something challenging, and knowing that I did a great job at it. I miss being in the office, laughing with people. I miss having a paycheck ( a lot!), especially when I pay my student loans. There are days when I literally have no where to go and nothing to do. Most of the time I feel like I have no purpose in life. Its better with Devon here for the summer, but even then I hate that I dont have any way to entertain him.
I dont really know what Im looking for right now. I dont know what the magic potion is that will solve the way I feel at this point. Maybe after John is born, getting out and working will make things feel better (on the off chance that I can find a job in this very small town ...).
I just feel off. I feel like I dont belong in the old place, but I dont belong in this one either.
I know Im “growing a baby blah blah blah” but, while physically tiring, isnt a good enough reason for me to not to be working. I know no one will hire me 2.5 months before I need at least 6 weeks off, but .... I just want to figure out what I can do to feel like Im actually worth something anymore.
I do feel a bit worthless. I have nothing of merit to talk about all day long, because I dont DO anything of merit. I clean the house. I do the laundry. I watch daytime TV. I take Devon places. But none of this leads to enriching myself what so ever. I feel like a shell of the old me. I didnt mind the old me (even if other people did). I liked going 100 miles an hour, having a million friends, always having an adventure.
Now that Im pretty much just at a standstill, I just want to cry all the time. Maybe Im just a really uninteresting person, disguised as someone who is interesting because I was always on the go. Its possible.
Im bored. Im lonely. And I feel like life is completely passing me by. I hope things feel better once John is here and Im devoting myself to taking care of him. I hope I figure out how to make myself feel like Im important or that Im worth something. I hope that happens at some point before I forget HOW to be worth something.
Please dont take this as an attack at people who stay at home. Im NOT saying anything against ANYONE who does it, or loves it. This is about my personal struggle with this, and its a hard one. Ive had a lot of time doing other things and its a HUGE adjustment. I think a lot of people feel like this when they have to go back to work and leave their children. Things are different for everyone, and I dont want anyone to take it personal. I just have to be honest about how I PERSONALLY am feeling right this second.