This is my 29 week pregnancy picture:

Im the fat one.

I swear last week I was totally cute and pregnant. This week we did our maternity photos .... and there was a seacow in between Allen and Devon.

At first I was puzzled. Why is that manatee on land, and why is it in my photos? Then, the reality set in. Sometime in between last week and this one I have gone from totally cute and knocked to the up to mad cow incubating sea monster. I really thought I had until 34 weeks before I started to resemble the marshmallow man, but apparently ..... Im advanced. 

So, Ive learned a few things this week. A) dont wear white in your maternity photos, as it never works out well B) the mirror in my bathroom is a GOSH DAMN LIAR, and C) anyone who says that pregnancy is beautiful is apparently into bestiality.

With sea cows. 

The more knocked up I get, the less funny I am ...

I have noticed a rapid decline in my humor over the last few weeks.

Im not sure what to chalk that up to. Nothing is really wrong, aside from the fact that I was once so busy that it was easy to be funny. 5 minutes of funny is a lot less work than all fucking day funny. And I would write a few blog posts about television, but I could never do it better than Patrick Varone over at imbringingbloggingback.com ..... so why bother?

Here we are ... 28 weeks (this was actually 27 and some change, but whatever).

Although Ive had one more scare since the last time, its not really a scare anymore. Once this kid actually decides to come Im going to birth him in the toilet because Im so used to brushing off anything that isnt a full blown water breaking exorcist scene. Its more - oh hi, theres some blood. Feet up, glass of water, check back later. If contractions arent painful, we dont go to Labor and Delivery.

Speaking of which, Im hoping we get the all clear for the birth center. We really wont know for sure until a few weeks before delivery (everything has to come back damn near perfect - baby not breech, placenta in right place, ect). Because I really hate hospitals, and would love to avoid being in one at all costs. If I have to try to labor strapped to a bed and an IV, Im going to be one pissed off pregnant woman.

But anyways. The point of this post (although it took a round about route) was to say that, no matter what happens, Im grateful. Im grateful for this little miracle baby, the one we were told we would never have. There have been hiccups on this road no doubt. But this week, when the girl who was due on the exact same day as me, delivered her baby still, I was reminded that all the hard is worth it. All the things that Im not sure of, that scare me, that make me wonder if were ready for this - all totally worthwhile. Because, when its all said and done, the alternative to having these things is to NOT. And that is the worst thing I can imagine.

So kick mommys ass John. I love you anyhow. 

Feeling down & out ....

The past few weeks have found me in a semi-depression.

I cant put my finger on exactly what it is. Im terribly bored, so that probably has a ton to do with it. It doesnt help that I have my replacement at my job on my Facebook (she was in school with me) and I see how life has gone on without me. Not that I anticipated any different - my job wasnt something so difficult that it would take much to replace me. But there was that hope that maybe there would at least be some sort of .... missing me? Maybe?

I guess thats the hard time of the PCS. At first it was all excitement about the new adventure. I was so happy to be coming here - now I feel like I shit if I complain. This was 100% our doing, and although I knew there was a chance that it could go badly, I really didn’t expect to feel this .... unsettled.

I think thats the best word to describe how Im feeling lately. Its not so much unhappy, because I have a million things to be thankful for. We have a great family, and a beautiful home. Allen is happy here, and doing amazing things. His unit really is great, and Im excited to help the CPT’s wife do some things with the FRG.  And, there have been a few great girls Ive met so far, and Im so very grateful for them.

I think it’s just the total life shift. I went from a good paying job, the freedom to do what I wanted when I wanted, friends that we loved, ect. Now, I feel like Im home bound far too much. I know for some people thats a good thing - they like being at home. But for me, being trapped in the house has always been the cause of anxiety.

I miss working. I miss taking on something challenging, and knowing that I did a great job at it. I miss being in the office, laughing with people. I miss having a paycheck ( a lot!), especially when I pay my student loans. There are days when I literally have no where to go and nothing to do. Most of the time I feel like I have no purpose in life. Its better with Devon here for the summer, but even then I hate that I dont have any way to entertain him.

I dont really know what Im looking for right now. I dont know what the magic potion is that will solve the way I feel at this point. Maybe after John is born, getting out and working will make things feel better (on the off chance that I can find a job in this very small town ...).

I just feel off. I feel like I dont belong in the old place, but I dont belong in this one either.

I know Im “growing a baby blah blah blah” but, while physically tiring, isnt a good enough reason for me to not to be working. I know no one will hire me 2.5 months before I need at least 6 weeks off, but .... I just want to figure out what I can do to feel like Im actually worth something anymore.

I do feel a bit worthless. I have nothing of merit to talk about all day long, because I dont DO anything of merit. I clean the house. I do the laundry. I watch daytime TV. I take Devon places. But none of this leads to enriching myself what so ever. I feel like a shell of the old me. I didnt mind the old me (even if other people did). I liked going 100 miles an hour, having a million friends, always having an adventure.

 Now that Im pretty much just at a standstill, I just want to cry all the time. Maybe Im just a really uninteresting person, disguised as someone who is interesting because I was always on the go. Its possible.

Im bored. Im lonely. And I feel like life is completely passing me by. I hope things feel better once John is here and Im devoting myself to taking care of him. I hope I figure out how to make myself feel like Im important or that Im worth something. I hope that happens at some point before I forget HOW to be worth something.

Please dont take this as an attack at people who stay at home. Im NOT saying anything against ANYONE who does it, or loves it. This is about my personal struggle with this, and its a hard one. Ive had a lot of time doing other things and its a HUGE adjustment. I think a lot of people feel like this when they have to go back to work and leave their children. Things are different for everyone, and I dont want anyone to take it personal. I just have to be honest about how I PERSONALLY am feeling right this second.

Officially ...

Not making the cut.

Lots of reasons why here:

http://www.thewholenetwork.org/3/post/2010/11/50-reasons-to-leave-it-alone.html


Mostly, I just cant bear to put our baby through something that he doesnt need .... especially since its not needed. ESPECIALLY after weve done so much to have a natural pregnancy and birth. Seems silly to go through all that and then let them cleave his weenie.

Also, if we had a baby girl, and they said “Were going to cut her labia, its cleaner that way” Id punch the doctor. Why should it be any different for our boy?

So congrats Junior. Mommy left you intact. However, Im not such an activist that I want to wear hats and shirts telling people what they should do with their kids winkies. Id prefer to take the “to each their own approach” on this one.

Whoo - way to go Daddy!

Instead of blogging about the fucking day from hell yesterday (took the kiddos to the beach, three jellyfish stings ensued, the Mercedes blew a radiator hose on the way home stranding us in Savannah, had to ride with Jethro, the tow truck driver from hell ALL the way back to Ludowici .... ect ....) Ill say that Allen got to call from the field to let me know that on this exercise he has gotten his official board recommendation! Hes loves the guys in his shop, and they all get along really well. They said they wanted to wait 90 days before they sent him to the board, but it looks like it might come even sooner than that.

Of course, promotion depends on points, board times, ect - so, I wouldnt come out and say it to everyone. But I am SO proud of him for putting his ass to the grindstone and likely making his 6 in under 5 years. Tht will mean lots of studying around the Cone household, but I know he can do it.

And - lets be real - the extra money doesnt hurt. At Stewart, your big BAH jump is from E-5 to E-6 (its E-4 to E-5 at Lewis). That makes a difference when were off post with a fixed mortgage! It would be nice to bulk up our savings, since the Mercedes is going to need some fixing. THank God for a husband who is good under the hood - also, our neighbors are really great and they looked at it yesterday. Allen (his name is Allen too) said he and MY Allen can fix it up no problem. And Im sure theyll love getting dirty and grunting as well.

Hmmm

Maybe I shouldnt have been so anti having a girl. I realize now, at my 15th consecutive Xmen related television viewing, that my 12 year old girl would be watching something like Uptown Girls with me. And enjoying it. Instead, Ive signed myself up for 18 more years of X men, belching, and lack of basic table manners.

But - neither of them can get knocked up. So - win.

Its nice to see how close Allen and I have gotten with this pregnancy. I had some major fears about it, as Ive heard the exact opposite about this time in our lives. But - so far so good. The next challenge will be when the baby is born. Im SURE Ill be a happy fucking cup of apples to be around then. But, as much as I miss him right now, its nice to know that we are in a REALLY good place right now.

I had a lot more to say but someone started to describe the worlds most perfect doughnut, with chocolate icing and custard filling. Of all the times for ALlen to be gone, now is not it.

Random things Id like to throw out there

• Leaving that unit at Lewis was HANDS DOWN the best thing we ever did. The company we were in was famous for being a total train wreck. As that was the first unit we had ever been in, that was all weve ever known of the army. Fast forward to this unit, and my husband walking through the door every day NOT clutching his chest because of stress pains. Thats pretty excellent.
• I love Savannah. Why has no one taken me to Savannah before? We went Sunday for our anniversary, and did the tourist thing - took a guided trolley tour and ate at an American Tapas lounge. It was about 400 degrees outside, and yet we had an amazing time. 

Allen says that Im finally looking Mexican again.

• Here I am, a day shy of 25 weeks, and our nursery is 100% complete. Im not exactly sure what Im going to do for the next 15 weeks, now that we have everything we need, but I assume Ill find things that the baby will never actually use. Allen insists that we need a baby monitor with a video feed - which, I would absolutely want to do if we were in a 9000 sq foot mansion and couldnt walk the 20 feet to the bedroom. But ..... we arent going anywhere any time soon.  Then again, he has 15 weeks of me wanting to buy things for the children, and Devon doesnt get his big shopping trip until August and back to school (SEVENTH GRADE, dear God).

My favorite part of the nursery - John’s namesakes (Great Grandpa Cone & Great Grandpa Hodge) and mom, dad and big brother!